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what i learn, **as-if,** it is something i could always do. when i stumble on this reading every year, i often joke on the **as-if** part. i lived my life in active addiction **as-if** i had no problems and **as-if** my life was the best possible life anyone could have. i neglected the parts of eating $0.19 packages of Ramen noodles or $0.35 packages of generic Mac and Cheese, because of my need to get high and i was shopping with the change i found under the cushions of the couch. of course that was then and this is now, and although i do not forget those days very often, i certainly can choose to leave them where they belong.
the ironic part of this reading is that it falls on the anniversary of my birth, a day i used to “celebrate” for at least a week and never, ever spent it at work. over the years, taking my birthday off has been hit or miss and yesterday in our weekly meeting decided that this year i would have a day of leisure. well maybe not leisure, but certainly not in the office trying to keep my customers satisfied. after sixty-two trips around the sun, i am finally beginning to get a grasp on who i might want to be. when i wonder if i would have ever arrived at this place, had i not been “sentenced” to recovery, i can fool myself into believing that the changes that have been part of my life for the past twenty-one and a half years might have come anyhow. it only takes a quick look around at my peers and friends who seem to end up being “around” the program to see that would more than likely be my lot in life. just as my counselor in treatment predicted: periods of sobriety, punctuated with periods of heavy using, as i burned myself down, once again.
when i got clean, i acted as-if i had the desire to be clean, when in reality all i wanted to be was off paper. since i was and still can be a showman, i was doing what i saw all of those around me doing and was going through the motions of being in recovery, looking good and playing to the audience of my peers. those eighteen months of acting as-if i was in recovery and a full-fledged member, provided the ammunition that has fueled my recovery since that dark and desperate night in New Jersey, when i finally could no longer pretend i was what i was not, an addict. i could no longer deny what my life looked like and that gift of desperation, that had been present for quite some time, finally broke through the wall of denial i had so carefully crafted over the years of active addiction and worked so hard to maintain during those early days clean.
so happy birthday to me and it is time to get cracking on my birthday gift to me, setting my daily (quantitative) step goal 1000 steps more than yesterday. it is a good day to celebrate the anniversary of my birth and be okay, staying clean and in active recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞