โ to act as if i can accept a situation i used to run from โ
Posted: Sun, Apr 16, 2006 09:02:03 AM
well this reading is one of those that has always bothered me a bit, when i come across it in the annual cycle. it seem to be saying to act dishonestly, and this whole acting as if behavior felt dishonest to me. my first sponsor and i, had quite a discussion about this very topic, over and over and over and over again, because i was the thick-headed chunk of flesh who could not open my mind and looked for the loophole wherever and when ever I could.
what i have come to understand about this over the course of time, that what this particular behavior is for me anyhow, is changing the way i act by default. i have a choice today whether to cower in fear in a room full of strangers, isolate myself in a corner, and be miserably withdrawn. or i can muster a bit of courage, face my fear, and use some of the social skills i have learned, to introduce myself and have a few less strangers in the room.
yes, i prayed long before i had a HIGHER POWER. yes, i stayed clean even though every fiber in my being wanted to use. yes, i even started participating in area service before i understood any of the traditions. all of these examples are how i behaved my way into better thinking. today i do have a concept of a HIGHER POWER, i have some recovery, and i have a working knowledge of the traditions and concepts.
now the part of me i call my addict could turn this around and bring back some of my less than acceptable behaviors if i let it. after all, acting as if i was in love with someone just to get the twenty seconds of physical release is hardly spiritual. rationalizing that stealing a bit of soda at the fast food restaurant is just a little shortcoming and not theft, are a couple of ways that i can turn this whole as if concept into something bad. after all if i act as if i am a thief, i will probably be a thief. if i act as uncaring oaf with only one thing on my mind, i will become that lothario. after all this whole behaving my way into better thinking concept can work either way and today i choose to behave my way into a more spiritual way of being.
what i have come to understand about this over the course of time, that what this particular behavior is for me anyhow, is changing the way i act by default. i have a choice today whether to cower in fear in a room full of strangers, isolate myself in a corner, and be miserably withdrawn. or i can muster a bit of courage, face my fear, and use some of the social skills i have learned, to introduce myself and have a few less strangers in the room.
yes, i prayed long before i had a HIGHER POWER. yes, i stayed clean even though every fiber in my being wanted to use. yes, i even started participating in area service before i understood any of the traditions. all of these examples are how i behaved my way into better thinking. today i do have a concept of a HIGHER POWER, i have some recovery, and i have a working knowledge of the traditions and concepts.
now the part of me i call my addict could turn this around and bring back some of my less than acceptable behaviors if i let it. after all, acting as if i was in love with someone just to get the twenty seconds of physical release is hardly spiritual. rationalizing that stealing a bit of soda at the fast food restaurant is just a little shortcoming and not theft, are a couple of ways that i can turn this whole as if concept into something bad. after all if i act as if i am a thief, i will probably be a thief. if i act as uncaring oaf with only one thing on my mind, i will become that lothario. after all this whole behaving my way into better thinking concept can work either way and today i choose to behave my way into a more spiritual way of being.
∞ DT ∞