Blog entry for:

i see, is more than pretending that nothing undesirable is a part of my life. i will freely admit that i am a cautiously optimistic cynic, which is quite a leap from how i once saw the world. many of my peers seem to believe that if they focus on the “positive” aspects of their lives and the world around them, they are better able to move forward in their lives and “good” things will be “attracted” to them. that certainly may work for others and when i stumble across this reading in my annual cycle, i do consider if it might work for me. is willful ignorance the key to my happiness, contentment and serenity?
as i posed this question, i realized i was setting up a “straw man” sort of argument, not unlike much of the political noise that invades my personal life, these days. the question needs to be redefined into something more subtle as seeing reality and seeing the world through the blinders of it being ALL “positive” or “negative,” returns me to the binary view i walked into the rooms, fully accepting and living by. way back when, if i liked the results i was happy and took full credit. if the results were undesirable to me, than i was distressed and sought someone or something to blame many times it ended up being “i am not responsible for that BECAUSE i was really high at the time.” what i learned in the days between my first meeting and my clean date, that being high was an excellent excuse to cover all sorts of “sins.” i GOT to be a victim of my “disease.” so painting the world all black or all white, feels to me as if i am now a victim of my “recovery.”
being a realist and seeing that the neat little boxes that i once could use to explain how the world work, no longer work for me, i see that my peers who chose to focus on the “positive” aspects of life, are more than likely not living in a state of “willful ignorance.” just as they do, i see the beauty and joy of living my life clean and just as i do, more than likely they see the underlying rot and distress that living in this post-modern world brings to their doorstep on a daily basis. my view is that i NEED to see that stuff, make adjustments to my life, based on that stuff and move along down the path. seeing that life is not always pretty is not the same as focusing on the less than savory aspects of living in these times. there may be times when i am seen as a “Negative Nellie,” because i have “nothing positive to report.” i am strong enough in my recovery and my identity these days, that i am beginning to discount more and more the part of me that want total acceptance and praise from everyone in my life. yes my life is a mixture of good and bad these days, very rarely skewed in one direction or the other. not caring about “mysterious ways” or my “special purpose, ” allows me to look at the world around me, make choices based on the information i receive and accept that those choices do not always lead to the outcomes i think i desire. that is how i see the world through the lenses of my recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞