Some memes

is a very apt metaphor about how i often respond to those with whom i converse. even my shares tend towards hyperbole from time to time, because of the ** purple dragon** syndrome that i am strikes me down dead in my tracks because i want a response from those around me, rather than putting in words what is really going on and being honest. as i sat this morning, i kept flashing back to what one of peers shared several weeks ago. i get when they said they “felt” ignored, because no one, in the local fellowship, would come up to them after a meeting and say “what a great share.” as hard as i try and deny it, i, too, suffer from lack of being the center of the universe deficit. the “purple dragons” almost always get a response and i feel more “whole” because of that attention. yeah, it really is all about me!
this morning, i see that what i NEED to do, is pay more attention to what is going on around me and respond accordingly. when my peer shared about their disappointment at not being the center of attention and dismissed it as a sense of over-entitlement bordering on narcissism, i lost an opportunity to support them, as they sorted out their social status. no matter how hard i try to ignore the fact, one of the 𕲄gifts” of recovery has been a strong sense of status and my need to be at the top of the pecking order. i get “butt-hurt” when i am not invited to every single event and gathering that my peers throw together, even though i have limited my presence in the local fellowship. my response is to pretend nothing is wrong and trot out the “purple dragons,” once again. i too, suffer from a sense of over-entitlement bordering on narcissism, which is why i can recognize it so clearly in my peers.
the foil for that sort of less than stellar behavior? stop, listen to my heart and identify what i am feeling and look to where i am giving away my personal power. i do need to be social with my peers. i do not need to put my desire for attention and acceptance from them,. ahead of my own recovery. i do not need to give them the power to affect how i feel about myself. my desire to be liked and at the center of everything is just the most recent manifestation of my addiction. just as my uncontrollable use of drugs and my desire to get high was curbed by the program of recovery that has brought me this far, if i decide to turn this over, it too will become right-sized through the action s of the POWER that fuels my recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞