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of what addicts are supposed to look like, built the wall of denial that kept me from realizing it was not what, how much and how i used, that made me an addict, it was my reaction to what i used and not what my life **looked** like. if it was all about what my life looked like, i would certainly have been cured, based on how my life looks today. the trappings of the so-called “normal” life are present. a mortgage, a lifetime partner, a career, a job that pays me very well, a circle of friend and acquaintances that trust and respect me. all of that is true, but i am quite certain that addiction has very little to do with how my “outsides” look these days. i am off to my home group and while i thought i might pound this out and post it before i left, i am starting to think that when i return i may have a bit more to say.
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well it has been a full morning and early afternoon. i GET a whole lot of gifts and often i am blind to the spiritual side of all of that. part of what i think is a symptom of my addiction is my ability to overlook what is good in my life, because all i can see is what i do not possess. my DESIRES overwhelm my consciousness and allow me the opportunity to take for granted all of what i have, because that is just the way things have been for a long period of time. looking at a month of three day or more weekend seems to came as something i am entitled to, not something that i have worked hard to achieve. looking at the way my clothes no longer fit is a great metaphor for my spiritual fitness. i am not losing inches of fat because i “visualized” that result. it is because i spent the time and effort to allow myself the FREEDOM to be something other than a fat lazy slob. once upon a time, i believed i was not worth the effort to be better than i am, because of the story i have told myself for nearly fifty years. got to admit that it was money that drove me to becoming fit, and once a year it comes down to the dollars and cents. yet, even when i am not going for that donation from my employer i still do the next right thing and put the miles and effort into becoming more fit.
working with a few of the men who call my their sponsor the past few days, has brought me to a realization that even though i may look like someone in the other 85% who are not “addicted,” my insides are still mostly deranged and delusional. i can talk myself into believing the most outrageous lies about who and what i am and the bigger the lie is, the easier it is for me to believe it. just for today, i can find plenty to respect and honor in who i am. as i wrap this up and head out into the wintry weather to get my steps in, i know that even though i am an addict who has all the trappings of a “normal” life, there is still more to come, just for today.

∞ DT ∞