๐ซ deeper than ๐ซ
Posted: Sat, Mar 21, 2020 10:13:18 AM
my obsessive, compulsive drug use. the irony of the current world situation has not escaped me. the treatment for my **treatable** malady is being curtailed by the rampant spread of a disease that has no current treatment. when every day brings new horror stories from the government that is supposed to have my best interests at heart. a scavenger hunt through the stores to **find** the stuff that i use on a daily basis and seems to have **disappeared** from the shelves that were once so well stocked. i know i am not the only one struggling with the social separation and being asked to stay home and hunker down. in fact, as soon as i finish this and shower off, i will be heading off to support a local business that is struggling due to the current pandemic, as i have decided the corporate coffee shops have enough money and **juice** to survive in this time of uncertainty.
sitting here, considering what a mess i have made, dealing with the traditions and explaining to a newcomer who has “been around≵ how our groups need to pay their own way, i feel myself drifting towards arrogance and a state of intellectual bullying. that is a familiar state of being, as i lived it more than once in the span of my Just For Todays. i am doing my best to let go of what i think i “know” and listen to what others are trying to tell me. one of the most obvious symptoms of active addiction, at least for me, was once the drugs were gone, i certainly still had a pile of “attitude.” as i drift further and further into the isolation of “hunkering down,” i find more and more of what i was, coming back to haunt me, not unlike a bad fish taco i ate last night and am now trying my best to purge. my point being, is that my defects of character and how they play in my life, is not something i can suppress or will away.
as i learn to navigate this new normal, i know that i will also need to accept that i am powerless over what the government decrees and that i NEED to follow the guidelines as they are written. i also know that staying home is going to present a problem for me and the rebel within, will activate all those traits that were so finely honed by my active addiction. now more than ever, it is up to me, to step up my game, stay in close contact with my friends and peers, and make the best of a very untenable situation.
sitting here, considering what a mess i have made, dealing with the traditions and explaining to a newcomer who has “been around≵ how our groups need to pay their own way, i feel myself drifting towards arrogance and a state of intellectual bullying. that is a familiar state of being, as i lived it more than once in the span of my Just For Todays. i am doing my best to let go of what i think i “know” and listen to what others are trying to tell me. one of the most obvious symptoms of active addiction, at least for me, was once the drugs were gone, i certainly still had a pile of “attitude.” as i drift further and further into the isolation of “hunkering down,” i find more and more of what i was, coming back to haunt me, not unlike a bad fish taco i ate last night and am now trying my best to purge. my point being, is that my defects of character and how they play in my life, is not something i can suppress or will away.
as i learn to navigate this new normal, i know that i will also need to accept that i am powerless over what the government decrees and that i NEED to follow the guidelines as they are written. i also know that staying home is going to present a problem for me and the rebel within, will activate all those traits that were so finely honed by my active addiction. now more than ever, it is up to me, to step up my game, stay in close contact with my friends and peers, and make the best of a very untenable situation.
∞ DT ∞