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when i read this reading this morning, i was struck by a conversation i had several weeks ago with a man who still calls me his sponsor, even though we are in a sort of **radio silence,** right now. his living situation has now been upgraded and for the first time in years, he is responsible for himself and living out of the highly structured environment that he has grown accustomed to living in. what brought that conversation to mind was the phrase “mere abstinence,” in the reading this morning. when i used that term in our last conversation, he seemed to be okay with a life that was based on not using. i get that, as that is how i was way back in the dawn of my recovery journey. oh, i went through the motions of “working” the steps, learned the parrot the language of recovery and did all that i could to “look like” i was someone serious about this gig, but all i wanted to do, was to comply with my “oppressors,” until i could do whatever the F_CK i wanted to do. today i have the DESIRE to be better and to live a life worthy of the person i have always wanted to be. someone who can be respected and trusted without having to “prove” himself worthy, to anyone else, much less to himself.
that DESIRE extends into a physical realm, as i want to be more fit and less fat. i have the DESI(RE to get out into the fresh air and get some miles in, before i go deal with my version of life on life's terms. i need to find a place where i can support my Mom through her denial and lack of honesty and willingness. i need to find the place where i can support my Dad through his physical and medical challenges. most of all i need to arrive at that place within the next ninety minutes, so just for today, it is time to trot and pre-destroy, the stress of what this day seems to be bringing.

∞ DT ∞