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has come where i will no longer accept the lie that i am okay settling for **good enough.** this has been a theme i have been hammering over and over again, lately. perhaps, if i say it often and loud enough, i will come to actually believe and internalize it. the reading spoke of **lost dreams** and for me, i have accomplished just about everything i set out to do, way back when. life in my world is no longer one that is filled with regrets, remorse or “if onlys.” that does not mean that i am exactly where i think i “ought” to be? well not today.
over the past week, i have been reminded of my mortality, as i have to go in and have a couple of medical procedures or at least make appointments to have them done. i have watched some friends spin down into the chaos, because they cannot accept the current state of the world and seem to be grasping at conspiracy theories to assuage the angst they are feeling. i had to listen to a sponsee inventory the deeds of his past, in order for him to move back into society. i have had to alter my workout to accommodate an injury i sustained ten days ago, when descending from La Plata Peak. in short, not the stuff dreams are made of, at all. the process i stared several weeks ago to clean-up my financial situation is moving at a glacial pace and is getting to be frustrating. my search for a job that furthers my career and will provide me the means to support myself after next May, is not bearing any fruit.
as i roll through all of that, i realize that i did not “use” anything to change how i felt about any of that. the little bit of comfort i get from that fact of my life, is that all of a sudden, i find myself leaning on the POWER that fuels my recovery. right here and right now, i cannot see much HOPE for any of that, and the answer i keep hearing is “not yet.” i am not a patient person, and the confusion i feel just does not seem to be lifting. in fact i had a very strange “using” dream, last night, where i did not use, but i had rationalized and justified my way into being on the verge. the odd part, at least for me, is that when i decided in my dream to walk away, i felt a sense of relief. that, for someone who does not believe in “signs,” is certainly an indication that maybe, just maybe, i am doing better than i feel and i really do have HOPE that everything will work out.
my dreams today? well for one, i can continue to provide the support to my loved ones, my friends and my peers, that i have given them up to this point. that my medical conditions continue to be less dire than i want to project. as i step out on this muggy morning to get my miles in, i can remember that three years ago, i would have never considered that i would have the DESIRE to get fit nor that i would have the ability to summit three 14ers, in less than a month. i need to remember that even a year ago, i saw no way to get rid of the burden of debt i had saddled myself with, as i allowed myself to believe in a couple of different scam masters. my dreams are being altered into a new sense of my reality. i GET to start looking with a bit of HOPE towards what tomorrow may bring in these troubling plague times, if i allow myself the FREEDOM to see beyond the chaos and angst that currently exists in my spiritual condition.

∞ DT ∞