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belief, and faith, the building blocks of the language of empathy was not the tripod of my recovery when i walked into the rooms. right off the bat, i did recognize that i was amongst those who just may understand me, but i did not trust them. after all, when i was using, i was amongst those that “got” me and every time i trusted them, it went south. believing in my peers and coming to find faith in them and the program of recovery, took more than a minute. it is more than just a lucky coincidence that i kept coming back and coming back clean. in the beginning it was willful obstinate and my desire to avoid untenable consequences.
as the days passed and i became a bit more open-minded and stopped trying to disqualify myself from recovery, i started to believe, just the tiniest bit in my peers. finding a home in a single fellowship where i certainly was understood, flipped a switch that altered my outlook on what i could give and get from the fellowship that was to become my home. even after a few days clean, there are times when i lack empathy, especially towards those who have wounded me in the past.
oh sure i have given those injuries over to the POWER that fuels my recovery, but the feelings of pain, shame and humiliation still bubble up from the depths and i get pissed-off and let them know that they can never treat me like that again. as i stand up for myself and live a better life, those with whom i have had those troubled relationships, just do not “get” me or understand that balance of power in our relationship has forever been altered. i no longer perform “tricks” for the “treat” of approval from them.
as i have miles to go and people to see today, i need to wrap this one up. i do have to conclude that as i get more spiritually fit, i can feel empathy for those who are not my peers in recovery, at least on a human level. unfortunately i will never feel anything like the other ninety-five percent or so feel. i will always have my feelings as well as my empathy filtered through that part of me i call addiction and as a result, it never quite matches what “they” feel. so it goes and off to my home group i go, grateful that just for today, i recognize, believe and have faith that i can feel empathy for those in my life.

∞ DT ∞