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recovering addict was not a label i thought i would ever own, as i did not believe i was an addict, hence did not need to be recovering from addiction. even in working my very first STEP ONE, i did not let go of the notion that i was not then, nor would i ever be an addict. ironically, when my symptoms proved me wrong, it still took a minute for me to get through the wall of denial that threatened my minimal clean time and future life as a person freed from the yoke of the justice system. all of that is now ancient history and i only share it today, because i have come to a place in my life where i may not be grateful to be an addict every single minute of every single day, but i am grateful that i am “recovering.”

Brenda E.
CONGRATS on THIRTY-TWO(32) years clean

day in and day out, i am now quite sure that i am not fully recovered and even though i once had hope that world change, i have come to accept that i will always be an addict. i may know more about who i am and what i am all about than any time in my past, BUT i am quite sure that knowledge, in and of itself is not adequate to keep me living the life i have developed over the course of days that mark my recovery journey. it may be true that since the pandemic i have stepped way back from attending meetings and service commitments, but that has been replaced by a dedication to living the program in my daily life. i am in daily contact with my peers in recovery and do my best to be available for the men who call me their sponsor. i am also building new relationships with men that once sponsored but cannot or will not sponsor these days, due to the current circumstances. all in all, i am doing my best with what i have, a program of recovery that is working for me today.
as i sat this morning, i felt a certain calm that i do not feel every often as i contemplated the notion of being an addict every day. more than once i have really, really wanted to take a vacation from recovery and each and every time, i had to take a look at my motives. each time i do, i see that i am doing an exercise in nostalgic recall, remembering the ecstasy of getting high and forgetting the pain of coming down. my selective trip down memory lane always stops before i get to the consequences and i am not talking about my legal issues, as i had all sorts of consequences that i blamed on a whole host of external stuff, long before the long arm of the law reached out and grabbed by the balls. the truth is i am happier, healthier and more fit in nearly every sense of that word than i have ever been in my life and i know that is because i CHOOSE to do this recovery gig, every single day, just for today.
i thought i might have more to say, but i have actually run out of what was on my mind. today, i am certain that i am an addict and i NEED a program of recovery to keep my on a path that is both agreeable to me and desirable to the rest of humanity. i CHOSE this manner of living when i got up this morning and will continue to live in this manner until i go to sleep tonight. for me, it has become the easier, softer way and i think i will keep it that way.

∞ DT ∞