Blog entry for:

opens me up to the support of my friends, family members and peers in recovery. i have to admit, when i was in active addiction the only time i ever asked for help was when my ass was in such a sling, i saw no way out. even then, my gratitude for that help was conditional, based on how well they ameliorated the situation. anything else, i saw as being “weak and feeble.” the last thing i ever wanted to show, was any signs of weakness, so i played the lie of self-sufficiency, until was driven to my knees by the evil and malign forces of the justice system.
i was just a little bit less rigid in early recovery and asked for a teeny-tiny bit of help to stay clean, which consisted of working twelve steps, in another fellowship, writing what i thought my sponsor wanted to hear. did i actually fool him? probably not, he basically left me to my own devices shortly after i completed that round of steps and then i found myself in the most dangerous position in the world: thousands of miles from home, in a basement apartment with a using buddy and a sack of dope that i paid for. hear of prison kept me clean that night and brought me to my knees, once again. i realized on my flight home that i had a decision to make, was i going to stay clean and actually do this recovery gig, or was i going to grit my teeth and white knuckle my way to the end of my sentence. that fact that one can read this today, indicates the direction i ended up taking.
today, as i prepare to write the letter i have been putting off for the past few days, i know what i need to write, specifically, because i have taken the time to build a network of friends and peers, who support me in my recovery, when i have doubts that this stuff is not working for me, or that i have graduated to “advanced” recovery. i may take risks with my life, but i no longer seek to risk my recovery, just to “look good.” it is far less “weak and feeble” for me to ask for help, than to traipse down the path of self-sufficiency, once again. i know what i am, an addict in recovery. i know how this gig works, live the spiritual principles of this program to the best of my ability and when all else fails, make that 911 call to my support system and accept their feedback and advice, just for today.

∞ DT ∞