Blog entry for:

my addiction, my life in the past, my feelings, my dreams, my current behaviors, who i think i am, who i thought i was, my current spiritual state, my current desires … the list could go on and on and on, and does.
i know my blog subject line sounds like something out of a commercial for mouthwash or perhaps toothpaste, maybe even…no i will not go there today, i am doing much better than that this morning, if you really want to know drop me a line!
no what this is all about for me this morning is living clean and allowing myself to feel clean by living the spiritual principle of honesty, sure there are others that may apply like integrity, self-acceptance and responsibility, but today it is honesty that rings in my head when i read this little ditty. most of those states i mentioned to fill out my thirsty words to start off this blog are still great unknowns. the reading specifically mentions admitting the truth to myself about being an addict -- that is suffering from the disease of active addiction. with that admission, i can really live a clean life. but saying that i am an addict was not enough back when i was struggling to get clean, nor was it enough when i was struggling to stay clean and it is still not enough after living clean for a few days in a row. no admitting something even to myself has never been difficult, the problem always came when i started thinking about that admission and started to put a qualifier or two into the mix. you know like this substance never got me into any trouble, so perhaps i could use it without being addicted to it. or i never participated in armed robbery to get what i needed, so maybe i am not that bad of an addict after all. those how extreme thoughts are just an example of how nutz i can be when it comes down to it. and here is where the honesty comes in. what i have to do is to strip away all the layers and subterfuges that i use to shield myself from the truth about myself, even those little tricks i used to survive my active addiction. when i take something that does not belong to me, that is stealing, when i obsess about getting something that has been made very difficult to obtain -- that is also theft and i am a thief. when i shade the truth by only telling the parts of a story to receive a favorable reaction from my listeners that is a lie and i am a liar. and when i start to qualify and quantify my recovery, i am stepping in the direction of active addiction. when i live my life as if i have no goals or dreams i am shortchanging myself on what i can have today and most certainly what may be offered to me tomorrow. i am an addict through and through and today i am finally honestly coming to terms with what that means for me today and possibly for the rest of my life. if i want to feel clean inside and out, all i have to do is live clean a simple equation for living today!

∞ DT ∞