Blog entry for:

in HOPE, even when before i thought i was hopeless or dopeless, was nothing i expected when i walked into the rooms. the fog of denial kept me from seeing what it was that i needed and put what i thought i wanted above everything else in my life. what i wanted was a ticket out of the legal jam i found myself, trapped within and a easy way to do so. i certainly believed HOPE was for losers and not all that different than wishful thinking or “foxhole” prayers. yes, i was and still can be a cynical son of a gun, but these days, i figure that although i may not walk a path full of HOPE, i do still walk in the FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery will provide me the opportunity to get everything i need and even some of the stuff i want, if i am awake and paying attention to what is going on around me.
what i do see around me, however, is many of my peers come in on a hope and a prayer and find their way to having the deep and abiding FAITH that i have found. my job is to allow them the freedom to HOPE and let them know that they, too, can get what i have, if they follow the example laid down by our predecessors. i may still feel “young” in recovery even with two and a half decades clean, and i am not quite sure why that is, probably a bit of denial about doing this gig for so long or a how old i am starting to get. i still sometimes wonder who that old man is that is staring back at me in the mirror, because i do not have the courage that i am older than i feel. my HOPE these days is that the steps i am taking and the program of recovery i actively work, will ease my transition into getting real old and allow me to be active and healthy for a very long time. that too, comes from those who have walked this path before me.
anyhow, it is time to get on with my day. it is a good day to be clean and a better day to feed myself on the HOPE that IF i stay clean, live an active program of recovery and do my job, it will be another success under my belt, just for today.

∞ DT ∞