Some memes

battle that i must fight, or can i make peace and be part of a solution? throughout my life, i always had to be right, even when i was wrong and boy, oh. boy was i wrong more than once. i was certainly someone who attempted to command respect by being the “most right,” time and time again. getting clean, and accepting the truth about who and what i was, did little to remove that particular trait, in fact, i had a whole new focus, now i could be the “defender of the faith,” rooting out recovery heretics and hammering the fellowship message above all by enforcing standards of “language.” i yes all the tools at my disposal to fulfill my mission. as a result, i know that i certainly did not help build any atmosphere of recovery in the meetings that i felt i “owned,” possession, after all in nine tenths of the law! 😉
some steps and a few self-inflicted humiliating wounds, woke me up the the reality of what i was doing and how it flew in the face of what i actually wanted to accomplish. that awakening did not come n a flash of light accompanied by a drum-roll, but over a few very long minutes. by the time is settled, i knew i had to step away from the meeting from which i had taken ownership and allow it flourish or fail without me. it was my first lesson in the fact i needed the fellowship, more than the fellowship needed me. ended up supporting a meeting that i did not start nor had any desire to build into something more, but i did what i could and did keep it going, long past its “use by” date. when i let it go, i left a structure that would endure and it did, once gain proving that i needed the fellowship more…
for the most part, i have amended my behavior and part of my amends to my fellowship was to slip out of the limelight and do my service in a quieter, more subtle manner. i ave had a few times when the part of me that needs to be right and demand respect has taken over. those are messes i regret and have had to clean-up. my last one still has echoes in the present tense and i am not sure what if anything i can do the make them fade into obscurity. this s one place where i have to remain part of he solution and i know that those echoes are my regret for being right and attempting others to see that. a hill that i was prepared to die on and the damage done when i relented, grudgingly and went with the flow. today, however, i do not live a life of regret and i can clearly see my part in that mess and when and if the opportunity comes to clean up those echoes i will be ready and willing to do so. just for today, well i know how to earn respect it it comes from being respectful, knowing when to yield and most importantly seeking to be a part of the solution, rather than the problem.

∞ DT ∞