Some memes

be mindful of how I represent myself inside and outside of the rooms, knowing that my story is not the fellowship recovery program, just one of those who is living it in his daily life. planting the seed of recovery by being a living example of the program was not what i signed up for all those days ago, i have said it before, but it bears repeating now, what i signed up for was the ways and means to use like a member of society and suffer no consequences. silly me, if that was what i truly wanted in my heart of hearts, i would have used a long time ago, using white knuckle willpower and every drop of my personal power to keep it under control. my experience in the rooms informs me that sooner or later, i would fail and the full-fledged addict would have emerged, no matter how hard i tried to curate him, and the consequences would follow.
i know that over the course of my recovery there have been times when i was certainly a beacon of hope for those on the outside and other times where what i was offering was what no one would ever want. i have misbehaved when wearing clothing that identified me as a member and more than once in a circle where i had broken my anonymity. that certainly cannot be reconciled with the notion of attracting others to recovery, but it is the honest truth. i continue to make living amends to my fellowship for those times i represented when i was lapsing in my behavior by remembering what it is i am doing, what the fellowship and the program has given to me and what i owe to the addict who still suffers and has yet to find the rooms.
what i heard when i got over my bad self and let myself listen to the void is that what once was need not remain what is. i can represent as just another addict and carry a strong message that speaks of HOPE through HONESTY, OPEN-MINDEDNESS and WILLINGNESS. it is not what i have accumulated, although i have a few days under my belt, it is how i live with the gifts i have been given. sure i can blow sunshine and spout goodness with the best of them, when i choose to do so. for me, i believe the attraction is that no matter what i go through i stay clean. not that i am grateful for life on its own terms, i am grateful i can experience it and make through to another day clean. i believe that is where the attraction lies, not the fluff that some of my peers put around it. i could, however be wrong, it is not the fiorst time that has happened and it has been a few days since i was a newcomer, but i sense my instincts around this are correct.
this morning, however, no matter how hard i tried i could not get away from the topic of service, even when i went outside the box, the result was the same. as one may know i am not someone who lives waiting for signs, but the fact that i still ended up here feels a bit heavier than mere coincidence. in order to reconcile this with my spiritual path, i guess, i would have to say that this opportunity was not one i could reject, whether that came from the POWER that fuels my recovery or deep in my subconscious where i know what is what with me, does not matter. i am not hung up on the “whys” anymore, but it still sucks that no matter how hard i applied my will, i still ended up here, damn it all! as i prepare to get out and get some miles under my sneakers, i can relax and be grateful that sometimes, i really do not know what is best for me and letting go of what i want and desire just may be the correct path.

∞ DT ∞