Blog entry for:

i  find that i have the energy to pursue other interests,  grow in recovery and become able to sustain healthy relationships. not that i actually will do so, and that of course is the rub, i have the abilty, maybe even the desire, but that guarantees nothing, except that i have the chance to do so.
as cynical as that may sound, there really are consequnces for all that i do and decide. if i choose to be more than i was yesterday and take the actions necessary to do so, than i can get all the gifts a life of active recovery has to offer.
time for a quick check-in, i am totally beat-up and exhausted this morning, i want a day off to do absolutely nothing. i want my bills paid. i want just enough work to pass part of my day and allow me the opportunity to fVck off the rest of the day. i want everyone to love and respect me. yes, i have a case of “iwantitis!”
recognizing the symptom, is only part of the battle, doing something about it is the real trick. in active addiction, i would want all of that, but was more than willing to settle for the next ifx. in early recovery, i wanted all of that as well, but settled for another day clean. well i have been clean long enough that settling is no longer an option i want to choose. where does that put me? south of lookout road on 287 as the sun rises and the bus heads south towards DENVER, to be exact and literal. and maybe that being literal is not a bad thing as that metaphor can be extened to my emotional and spiritual locations as well. emotinally, well a bit wave tossed and uncertain. i know this current gig is ending, and i have come to like havin a steady paycheck, so instaed of walking in FAITH and taking the opportunities i am being provided, i am just marking time. self-will run riot! spiritually, well sort of grateful. i did get to be a part of my sponsor taking his 29th annual keytag last night, with one of my sponsees. i got to help my dad out and get his 'puter ready to run last night. as i write this, i feel my mood starting to lift. what i want and what i need may not be that far apart today. it is more than possible that i can find anotehr gig, or develop enough projects to continue to feed myself. once again, i can paint myself into a corner and have FAITH that the door will open, or i can do something new and start the process of looking for my next opportunity.
what will i do? well, i WILL go put in an honest 8 hours at work. i WILL hang with some friends in a smoke-filled room this afternnon, and i WILL hit a meeting this evening. most imporatntly i will let go of what i think i desire and allow myself to be present for what i get. life in recoverys is simple, just do not use, work some steps, go to some meetings and read the book, everything else can fall into place if i ALLOW myself to be present for it, today.
not too far off-topic, but time to sign-off and read the news, for that is also part of being part of life and doing this gig, just for today

∞ DT ∞