Blog entry for:

that has become useful through the process of recovery that i have been given. okay, got to be totally honest, when i **sat** a few hours ago, i did not **hear** how grateful i was for the life that i have been given over the days i have stayed clean. i could certainly list the many ways in which i now am living a useful life. i could also recite a litany of how terribly non-useful my life was, before i got clean. either way, i find myself drifting off topic to something else, just for today, i am grateful for my useful life and the ability to continue to make it more useful as time goes by.
as i sat down to take care of this task this morning, i realized that when i sat and when i walked this morning, where my mind went to was how was i going to dig myself out of the financial hole i have created, quickly and painlessly. i felt that i have paid my “penance” for being an idiot and now i am entitled to have “buckets 'o money” to be dropped on my life. somewhere in my insanity, i have grown a new bit of entitlement, which i find more than a bit disturbing. here i was thinking i was doing so well letting go of my expectations and living in the here and now. i like living in denial and fantasy. i like being distracted by what everyone else is doing or not doing. i like living in self-centered cocoon. so when i get a deep dive, as i did this morning, most of the time i get a very rude awakening that usually shakes my world. today was no exception to that general rule and sitting here i realize part of why i am trying to ignore my THIRD STEP, is that i do not want to look at what my WHOLE will and life looks like and what the POWER that fuels my recovery can actually handle what i am willing t turn over. the dynamic tension between what i want and what i am afraid i will not get, is certainly pulling me apart, figuratively anyhow.
as i drop this collection of characters on to the World Wide Web, i am getting a clue about why i am so critical and judgemental of my peers, those i share the road with and my friend and family members. i am not perfect and i do not want to admit that fact, so i hide behind the smokescreen of at least i am not…
on a another note, i had a using dream last night where i was enjoying a cigar with a peer and friend who is no longer locally based. he whipped out a sack of one of my favorite substances and did it all in front of and never even offered me a molecule. as i sat there watching him consume the big piles, i got more and more pissed off, but of course i was not going to ask for any. i can remember thinking in my dream that i would do some if he offered but would pretend that i did not want any and never ask for any. well he did not offer and i did not ask, so my using dream was watching someone else use mass quantities, which was probably the impetus for what i “heard” today, even though it was hiding in plain sight. on that little piece of ugliness, i think i will use what i have, make my life a little bit better today and move along to my next task of the day, look at how my testing went last night. it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞