Blog entry for:

the unmanageability of my life, i counteract the lie that says i do not have to change.
so the reading is about accepting myself and allowing myself to be changed through the process of recovery. i had a weird interaction yesterday with one of my peers that is still weighing heavily on my mind. i may have been summarily dismissed or perhaps it was a just bugger off for now sort of thing. why this is hitting all the obsessive cylinders in my head is an interesting topic in the theme of allowing myself the FREEDOM to change. it certainly gets down to the part of the reading that talks about being open-minded. what i am having trouble accepting is my part in the interaction and if it was something i did, or not and where i messed up. what clues was i blind to, where was my fault and what do i have to ado to admit to fix it. what i keep coming back to, is that i really did nothing wrong, in that i did what i always do, expressed concern, offer time and and an ear to listen and do my best to be present, which apparently i was not, present that is. so here is a spot where all i have to do is: accept my responsibility and start doing nothing, acknowledge that i am powerless and move along, nothing to see here.
which moves on on to yet another set of social interactions, that went much better. i was there for some of my peers, who did ask for my time, my presence and a bit of my recovery. in those instances i behaved exactly as did in the one that went south, so as i walk away from all off this, this morning, i can be certain, that there was no issue in how i behaved in general, just in this specific incident, so what i have to do, is be open-minded enough to see that yes, sometimes what i THINK is the correct course of action, may not always be so, in a case by case basis.
yargh, i hate when things get less than neat, but it certainly does go towards where i am in my step work. the FIRST STEP, is apparently where i need to be today. even though i admit i am powerless over addiction, i forget that as an addict, addiction is part and parcel of my entire being. as such, i need to pay better attention to what i am doing. the clues were certainly all there. i was told more than once not to “hover,” so zooming off and letting go of what i cannot change and what will not change, by my power alone, is where i need to go.
so what exactly can i change today? well for one, perhaps i can kill a virus on a computer. i can add more touches to the application i have been building. i can finish my household chores, watch a bit of football, enjoy a cigar, go to a meeting and perhaps make a tiny difference in the world today. i cannot reach into the heart and mind of someone else, and figure out where they are, no matter how powerful or insightful i may think i am. that is something i have to listen for, in my heart, as that bis where i am trying to learn how to hear the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery.

∞ DT ∞