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i find that what others did to me was not as important as how i responded to the situations i found myself in.
this is one of my most favorite readings, every year when this comes up i get to do a little inventory about how i have been reacting lately. the line that truly pertains to me, is the whole bit about living my entire life in rebellion. i can still remember the very first time i read this, as i was planning my next use, while i still believed that somehow, no one knew that i was still using, after all, i could really talk the talk, my life had some of the trappings of a "normal" life, and i was going through the motions of looking like i was applying the principles of some sort of program. the irony of that whole situation was that i was doing the ultimate rebellion, using while still submitting clean UAs, showing up in the rooms while planning my next use, and using the fellowship as a beard for what i was, a using addict still in active addiction.
ah, but that was then, and this is now. while it is a good thing to remember the past, i have inventoried that particular form of rebellion and have moved beyond that. after i finally got clean, and grudgingly accepted that i had to apply at least some spiritual principles in my life, i still rebelled against the very program that was offering me gifts beyond my wildest dreams. there were a whole lot of issues in my head, the most important one being that i really did not belong in the fellowship that i was attending for recovery. i actually belonged in the fellowship i was using to provide my social life. but as long as i cross fellowshipped, i could maintain my uniqueness and rebel against the changes that were trying to be manifest inside of me. when i finally started the conversion process thirteen months later, i rebelled totally against those loving members who kept me clean for the first thirteen months of my recovery, dismissing what they did and vociferously defending my new found fellowship against any association with my previous one.
but so it goes, that too is ancient history for this addict. as i look at my behaviors these days i find myself a whole lot more accepting of what i need to do and a whole lot more willing to take suggestions, rebellion these days seems to be against being treated in a manner that i am all of a sudden finding disrespectful. most of the time, it is against those people with whom i have had very long and very close relationships with. part of me screams that i am not the little kid on the block anymore and it is time to at least start seeing that i am starting to grow up. of course, when i rebel, i pout, throw a little fit and sulk petulantly away from the situation, just reinforcing the idea of how little i have really grown. but hopefully this cycle of the steps will help me see past that, i do after all have a suggestion from my sponsor that i need to complete before i move on to the next step.
so only time will tell!
well time to get some work done so i can really be free to go on vacation again next weekend
TTFN ;)

∞ DT ∞