Some memes

is something i always believed i was not affected by, in fact, in active addiction, it helped keep others away from me. the key word here is **believed.** as i stay clean and dig through the layers of stories and the flawed belief system that is who i am, i can see that what i actually wanted was acceptance from everyone BUT it was easier to act as if their approval was unnecessary for my well-being. this 4TH STEP is kicking my a$$ over that very issue, acting in one manner and living in another. rejection was always my greatest FEAR and the echo of that FEAR haunts me to this day. i still compromise my values, from time to time, to gaining the approval of others, while rebelling and getting all sorts of resentment about what they “made me do.”
this morning, as i wait for the light of day to see if i can get some steps in, between the rain drops, i know that the rebellion i feign, is actually a front i put up to protect my overly sensitive ego. of course i could say the magic words, pretend that i am always okay and walk away with not a single person, any wiser for what is not. the problem with that, at least in my mind, is that does little to nothing to make me “better.” the one overarching theme in my recovery over the past few years, is how to grow better and let the “less than ” diminish into the background noise of daily living.
before my day gets too busy, i think it is time to attempt a workout and see if i can get it in, before the rain starts again. i owe myself at least that chance this morning and it is time to see if i can make that a reality. yes, i am rebelling against common sense and one might think that i am being a bit obsessive. that is, however, who i am today and i can accept the consequences of a dampish walk this morning. it is a good day to own what i am and work towards being a bit better.

∞ DT ∞