Blog entry for:

i come to see my failures as human mistakes and i realize that i will never be perfect. this is one of those readings that make me pause and go HMMMMMM. over the course of my recovery it has spoken to me in very different ways, but it never fails to stir up something inside. this morning what it brings up is my amends list, brief as it is. of course i am human, and on top of that i am an addict. i have uncovered that most of my limitations and failures if you will, stem from a vision of myself that is far from accurate. this is not the vision i have of the man i am becoming, nor is this the vision i have of the man i once was. those are mostly accurate and will continue to change i work this process. no the driving force is the vision i have of the man i am today. most of the time, at least when i am spiritually present, the vision of myself is accurate and that vision includes my flaws and liabilities as well as my strengths and my assets. i am willing to take risks, accept consequences and generally make fairly good decisions. when i mess up, i look to what i might have done better, clean up any mess that happens to be left behind and move forward with my life with little self-recrimination and regret. however, when i am not present for what is going on spiritually, inside and outside of me, my mistakes take on a life of their own between my ears. they become just one piece of evidence of how fVcked up i really am, and how even after a few days clean, i am not changing in the slightest. in fact, the judge tells me that i am the sh!t that i was when i walked into the rooms, the jury sentences me to a life of active addiction and the executioner starts to warm up the get high machine.
of course, those examples are the extremes, the black and white of it, as it were. i live in a place somewhere in between those two states, and the pendulum swings back and forth throughout the course of any particular day. so this reading is a reminder to me, that no matter wow i happen to see myself at this moment, it is important to realize that i am human, that i am an addict, and it is a miracle i choose to recover on any day at all, much less today. so it is off to the showers in a state of humility and certainty, that no matter what comes down the pike today, i will be able to handle it and stay clean just for today.

∞ DT ∞