Blog entry for:

from that point on, it is just a matter of paying attention to where i am led. that seems to be the rub, paying attention to where i am being led. first off, Happy Thanksgiving to those who may be celebrating the holiday today, may you find at least one thing to be grateful for today.
okay back to my train of thought…
hellip;i am honestly not a very good follower. i like to lead, and chafe under the the yoke of being led. this has always been true, and although recovery has diminished my need to manageable levels most of the time, i am far from relieved of this, and perhaps never will be. be that as it may, i do make a THIRD STEP decision every day when i get my lazy butt out of bed. i am good about being led for about twenty minutes, or just about as long as it takes to get my ELEVENTH STEP daily work done and get my morning meal consumed, then as i start to face my day, i stop listening and start doing. what generally happens, is that sometime in the course of working out, usually around mile two, i come to the realization that i do not have to be in charge, and that it is okay to be led, and that all i need to do is to have a little bit of TRUST and a modicum of FAITH, and i have a recipe for a successful day, regardless of how it turns out.
that works for about an hour and the i recycle back to having to be in control. once again, i find myself in a spot, i have to take a deep breath, make a decision as to whose lead i am following and start over again.
and so it goes…
i have to constantly make this decision, and check where i think i am going, and see who is leading. yes it would be nice to not have this cycle as part of my life, and perhaps now that i have actually uncovered it, and written about it , it will be relieved, or perhaps not. i am far from perfect, and really have no clue as to the will of my HIGHER POWER for me, or what i need to be doing at any particular moment. i do know, that if i am present for the cues and actions of life around me, i am intuitively provided with the means to gauge if i am in that will or exercising self-will. and if i am in the latter, then it is time to once again cycle through the THIRD STEP and return to a path of sanity, after all, for this addict living in self-will or believing that i am wired into GOD is pure insanity and will only lead to disaster for me in one way or another.
so anyhow, time to hit the pavement before i participate in power gluttony, a premptive strike of sorts. it is am excellent day to recover.

∞ DT ∞