Blog entry for:

during my recovery...
this is where i am supposed to say that i have had to rely on my FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery, will provide for my needs. this morning, after a few days of nerding harder and trying to get a grip on a programming language i do not feel very confident in my ability to keep my job. that does not mean i am going to quite my job or the task at hand to become better versed in that language, but it does mean that i am down about my prospects of “getting it.” i can certainly say that maybe, just maybe, i am trying to hard to become an expert overnight and that i need to give myself a break, allow myself the freedom to continue with the training i have been doing and see what the final results may be. one thing is certain, i want to keep this job. i want to be a valuable member of the team and i believe i am capable of doing just that. here is where i could insert the <if only> and negate the whole previous statement.
as i sat this morning what bubbled up to the surface was a question i have asked myself since i first started coming around the rooms of recovery. that question is: what would it take for me to let go and just have FAITH? i say that i am not a “GOD” sort of guy and i do not require “signs” that some HIGHER POWER is working in my life, and yet i am often on the cusp of demanding that i see evidence of that POWER working in my life, beyond granting me the ability to stay clean, just for today.
today, my plan of action is to go to my home group, get some miles in, hang the Christmas lights and then nerd harder. i am not yet ready to give up on myself, but maybe i need to put a little less emphasis on that aspect of my day and allow what i have been learning to sink in, before force-feeding myself even more. it is a good day to take care of myself and if that means stepping away from the computer for a few hours, so be it. right here and right now, it is time for me to =wrap this up and ease on, ease on down the road to Boulder.

∞ DT ∞