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and strength i may need to survive and even thrive, just for today, is accessible to me through my relationship with the POWER that fuels my recovery. i often find myself having the desire to **ask** for help, rather than accept and see the opportunity to get the answers by paying attention. i am relatively new to my current spiritual path and decades of social training, cultural bias and foxhole prayers, are not easily circumvented, just because i have stepped away from that world. it is odd, that yesterday in a meeting of my home group, one of my peers stated that he had stumbled into one of the tenets of my spiritual path and instead of commenting on how “Tao-like” that notion was, i left it be, as that is also part of the path i follow, allowing others to find what i have by being an example rather than a preacher.
the other notion that descended from “on high” as i listened to my peers share their experience, strength and hope, yesterday was why i was so angry at my Mom's lack of interest in building a bit of independence. i am really resentful at myself for accepting a commitment to my dying Dad, on the night before he died. he asked me to promise him that i would take care of my mother and of course i said yes. i am pretty certain that even if i had considered what i was getting into for even a minute, the answer would have been the same. i cannot even imagine the shame or the regret i would feel has i said, “let me think about it,” or even a flat out no. the relative size of that probable resentment to myself, would tower over me like some dark and dangerous beast with claws and nasty, point teeth, driving me to seek solace in something that is not spiritual. recognizing that i have a resentment towards myself, provides me the path to releasing it. i know that in that moment i did the next correct thing. i also know that because i am doing my best to live a program of active recovery, i will not shirk the responsibility i accepted on that late night.
freeing myself of the burden of resenting myself, starts with recognition, which i have already achieved. the next step is telling sharing it with a peer, who happens to be a closed-mouth friend, which has also been done. now it is all up to me to forgive myself and in this case there is nothing to forgive, that fact is, my Mom will not better her situation, so it is up to me, to accept that as fact and do the next right thing by her, which means my current program of four afternoon visits a week. i can continue to let her control how i feel about myself, as that has always been the dynamic in our relationship of i can take that power away from her and see that she is dependent on me and my choices. acceptance of what is and not what i want it to be, is the knife that cuts through this Gordian Knot and frees me to be myself and take steps to be the person i have always wanted to be. it is FAITH in the program and the POWER that fuels my recovery that sustains me through that wall. it is now time to dress out and get those ten klicks, under my belt and remember that i am worth being freed from resentments of any sort, just for today.

∞ DT ∞