Blog entry for:

...suspecting everyone, trusting no one. now that i am learning to live in recovery, i find i need help. so i have a few extra minutes this morning as the weather is far from cooperating with my plan to do my jaunt around the hood. so it goes…
life does go on, and the reading was not about being powerless today, that was just for yesterday! i may be powerless, and that is a great thing to be reminded about every day, but TRUST is certainly a good thing to think and write about this morning.
what struck me this morning was more than just trust, there was a chord of learning to become teachable, as well as remaining teachable. although my sponse has some life issues that he is dealing with these days, i have FAITH, that if something really big came up, he would be there for me, the little stuff like moving forward in my step work can certainly wait for another day, week or even a month, until he has time to be present for me.
so back to learning to TRUST someone and take direction. it is more than true, that when i was in active addiction i trusted not a soul, especially myself. so when i came to this raucous fellowship, hat in hand so to speak, i was far from ready to throw in with this lot, and although i went through the motions of getting a sponsor, and working the steps, i had not let down my guard and was not quite ready to trust. i was, however ready to take a bit of direction and although i was compliant, i was also committed. at least until i could prove that this gig would not work for me, until i got burned by my sponsor repeating one of my trust bombs, or until i had shaken off the yoke of the legal system. it is fortunate, that at least in my case, compliance and halfhearted commitment was sufficient for the process to take hold. the irony is, even after a few days clean, i still need to build trust through trust bombs. i know this to be true, and i also know that someday the overwhelming evidence will allow the change to happen to me.
as for being teachable, and taking direction? well i am better at that these days then ever before. i have come to the conclusion, that there are more teachers out there than just my sponsor. i never know who will be providing me the lesson i need to learn today, as a result i have to be present for what is going on, what others are saying, no matter how i personally feel about them. after all, perhaps my personal distaste comes from seeing in them, what i cannot see in myself, and it would be a terrible waste to miss the opportunity to become more than i have been.
so it is back to the grindstone on this major snowy day, with the reminder to TRUST the process and let go of any outcomes to which i have become attached.

∞ DT ∞