Some memes

the operative phrase here is **learn to**, as trusting others is still a something that i have to practice doing. there may have been a time, way back when, when i actually trusted everyone and took everything at face value. i am sure that just about every human being is born into this world that way. just like every other person, my trust was certainly betrayed as i started to interact with world around me. just like every other person, i became less trusting each time i that trust was betrayed. all of that is just the cost of living. people are less than perfect and do things like that for whatever reason. most people, move on and learn that most of their fellow travelers are just like them, a bit leery of trusting others but willing to take that chance until they get evidence to the contrary. somewhere down the line, i took that evidence as proof that everyone was untrustworthy, especially as i became less trustworthy myself, and in the end, active addiction helped me to develop an inherent distrust of the world around me and EVERYONE that i met. trust became something that needed to be earned from me, and was the reward for proving that you were worthy of my trust.
sponsorship, than became a painful exercise for me, as i NEEDED to trust someone, and i was incapable or unwilling to trust ANYONE. after all, they were out for their own motives, and if i appeared to be weak and feeble, once again i would be tromped into the bit bucket of losers. this attitude pervaded all my relationships and as a result, learning to trust was something i found i NEEDED to do. my sponsors all have been men that i would not have necessarily chosen, had i really been thinking about it. none of them were like me. none of them used like i did. yet, each one of them, were put into my life, exactly when i NEEDED them, and in this case, i have always been listening for and following the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. amazing at it sounds, this was one of the few accomplishments in my recovery, where self-will was not the driving factor. there is a caveat however, just because i asked them to sponsor me, it did not mean that trust was instantly granted to them. i tested them, just as i tested everyone else, and only after i could see that i was not betrayed did i actually come to trust them. it is true, that this process took longer with my first sponsor, than it did with my current one, but it would be disingenuous of me to say that it did happen.
the side-effect of growing a relationship with a sponsor is that as i grow in recovery, i find i can trust more quickly, the NEED to prove someone worthy of my trust diminishes and i become, as a result more trustworthy myself. this whole paradigm shift is put to the test each and every time i work with another man, as a sponsor. i am clueless as to why anyone would want to be sponsored by me. that is not because i believe myself unworthy of the trust and responsibility that being a sponsor carries, those days are long past, although in the back of my head, in that part of me i call addiction, i can still hear the echoes of that sentiment. i have come to accept, that no matter why they ask, for the most part i can just say yes, and allow what will happen to happen.
anyhow, i do have some stuff to get done today, and sitting here musing about learning to trust, practicing the spiritual principle of trust and as a result becoming more trustworthy myself, is something that i have run out of ideas about. i can close with this though, the true irony in all of this, is that by trusting my sponsor with all that i am, i am capable of being trusted by the men who happen to call me their sponsor. they seem to have no fear that bi will betray them and in my heart of hearts when i say i will go to my grave with their stuff, i know i really mean it. today i am worth being trusted and this dime is glad he has found a way of life that has brought me out of the dank twilight of active addiction.

∞ DT ∞