ฮผ by the time i reached the end of my road, i had lost all hope for a life without the use of drugs ฮผ
Posted: Fri, Jun 12, 2009 01:33:06 PM
i believed i was destined to die from our disease. or maybe at least die while still a using addict. anyhow i have bunches to write about, starting with the entry i tried to add from my phone, i apologize for that, technology won, and i lost. anyhow soon it will be gone.
so after a whirlwind trip to Spokane, a day with my cousins ,uncles, aunts, brothers, sisters, and parents, i am glad to be home for another week or so. i am a bit concerned that i am not grieving as i expect, but i am certain, that things are moving as they should, and what needs to happen inside is.
i am also a bit concerned about getting enough work done over the next week, what will happen when i meet my mail sponsee face-to-face tomorrow and if i will get back in the groove after a day off.
all of that is out of my power, except perhaps the amount of work i get done. so instead of twisting about all of that, i think i will go on with the topic at hand -- becoming a vision of hope by finding hope.
honestly HOPE was not something i thought i would ever have, nor was it something i thought i desired. the cynical pragmatist within was certain that was just as it was going to be, so be happy don’t worry. Hope was not something i even got at my first meeting, after all, all i wanted was to be free from the chains of the justice system and not the desire to use. so imagine what a surprise it was to me, the day i woke up at the start of my SECOND Step and found that what i desired most was a HOPE that i could lose the desire to use, and maybe figure out a way back to the life that i was quickly leaving behind. as i progressed up the road of recovery those became mutually exclusive and i gave up the notion of returning to active addiction and set forth upon a path of recovery that has continued unabated to this day.
well i need to get some work done, so just let me say, i HOPE that i can offer other addicts the chance to feel as i do, that this life is worth the works it takes to sustain it, and that if i can be in recovery so can they. so back to the grind.
so after a whirlwind trip to Spokane, a day with my cousins ,uncles, aunts, brothers, sisters, and parents, i am glad to be home for another week or so. i am a bit concerned that i am not grieving as i expect, but i am certain, that things are moving as they should, and what needs to happen inside is.
i am also a bit concerned about getting enough work done over the next week, what will happen when i meet my mail sponsee face-to-face tomorrow and if i will get back in the groove after a day off.
all of that is out of my power, except perhaps the amount of work i get done. so instead of twisting about all of that, i think i will go on with the topic at hand -- becoming a vision of hope by finding hope.
honestly HOPE was not something i thought i would ever have, nor was it something i thought i desired. the cynical pragmatist within was certain that was just as it was going to be, so be happy don’t worry. Hope was not something i even got at my first meeting, after all, all i wanted was to be free from the chains of the justice system and not the desire to use. so imagine what a surprise it was to me, the day i woke up at the start of my SECOND Step and found that what i desired most was a HOPE that i could lose the desire to use, and maybe figure out a way back to the life that i was quickly leaving behind. as i progressed up the road of recovery those became mutually exclusive and i gave up the notion of returning to active addiction and set forth upon a path of recovery that has continued unabated to this day.
well i need to get some work done, so just let me say, i HOPE that i can offer other addicts the chance to feel as i do, that this life is worth the works it takes to sustain it, and that if i can be in recovery so can they. so back to the grind.
∞ DT ∞