Blog entry for:

...to the fellowship, i realize that material wealth pales in comparison to the spiritual riches i have gained in recovery. which is a wonderful sentiment, and you know i truly want to believe in my heart of hearts. i am, however, not quite there. well that is not quite correct either, i am that spot lots of times in any given day, and just as many times i am so stuck in the material world, i am struck about how mundane i really can be. this could be the jumping off point for a tirade against myself, how this i am and not this i am, but today that is not what i heard nor what i feel. this could also be a jumping off point about other members who do this and that, and seem to forget what this is all about, but once again, that is not what i heard.
no what i heard was to look for and expound upon examples of HOW the single promise of my fellowship is coming true in my life. not necessarily in the literal sense of the words either. so with that in mind the first question is am i free from active addiction today? the answer would be < insert drum roll here > it depends. depends on what? well it depends on how one defines active addiction. in the narrowest meaning of that term, abstinence from using drugs, the answer is a resounding YES, nothing to see here, move along. i am however, more than a bit beyond that definition, and no matter what anyone else may say about what they think freedom from active addiction means to them, to me it means freedom from obsession and compulsion. freedom from the self-centered behavior that defined my years of using. freedom form the desire to alter the way i am feeling right. and freedom to live in the here and now. with that broader definition, the promise seems almost unattainable, and i may be tempted to say fVck it and move on. so what to i do to rationalize and justify this definition and manipulate my interpretation of the events in my life to fit this definition? absolutely nothing! there is no reason to do any of that. the desire or need to do so, would be an indication that in that moment active addiction is part of my life. i look to see how my life fits the ideal -- total freedom from active addiction, and of course, how it does not. as a result of that scrutiny, i can step up my spiritual program and move back into FREEDOM or continue to live as an active addict. so the freedom i get here may be fleeting, or as i have discovered, last for hours upon hours with very little effort or corrective action on my part. the trick? for me it was and continues to be learning how to be present for myself, as well as for what is going on around me. being present allows me to live in the FREEDOM FROM ACTIVE ADDICTION as well as guides me back to that FREEDOM when i have strayed. i am after all, human as well as an addict in recovery, so perfection while desirable is far from attainable. so i do what i can, the best that i can to live this program in the here and now, and let go of the results. when i am spiritual great, when i am tied to the material, well it may not be great but it is not all that bad either, after all i do have a material life as well.
so right here and right now, i am free from active addiction, with that thought in my heart and my mind, i do believe i will take my daily tour of the neighborhoods to see how the material can meet the spiritual, at least for this addict.

∞ DT ∞