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i make what may be a startling discovery: the loving God i have so recently come to understand has always been with me and has always loved me.
well i was hoping for some more time before having to step into this minefield. it is what it is, so this morning, i have the task of reconciling my current belief system with that of the fellowship in general, and if i cannot reconcile, at least come to an accommodation with it.
anyhow, as a result of my eleventh step, the HIGHER POWER i now understand, has no anthropomorphic attributes left. the process of the steps stripped the few remaining remnants from my understanding, and as a result simplified and complicated everything in my spiritual life. now is not the time to go into all of that, except that i have finally figured out how my prayer fits in and what its purpose truly is, for me, based in this new paradigm. so now in a few brief words i have to deal with the love issue ARGHH!
i know that the fellowship says that my understanding of a HIGHER POWER can be whatever works for me, but that wide-open description comes with the caveat that they suggest it be loving, caring and greater than i am. the greater than is a no-brainer -- it is those human attributes of loving and caring where i get tripped up these days.
i do believe that there is a POWER that has guided me in through to this place in my recovery -- so far so good, i get the first part of the reading and it works for me.
i can even see evidence that despite my best attempts something preserved me through my active addiction -- okay, i am still on the right track
when i look back at the end of my active addiction and the circumstances that finally brought me to my knees, despite the science i am certain of, i can even see that this FORCE may have had a part in that -- after all, i could not stop using, only remain abstinent for long enough to pass a clean urine sample -- and that last one should have been clean as it was 96 hours after my last use.
okay i am cool up to this point -- now the reading and the fellowship wants me to cast motives on this set of circumstances and see them as evidence that i was loved and cared for even before i was ready to start to believe. here is where the trouble starts. my understanding of the nature of the divine does not include an intellectual understanding of what that POWER does enough to say that POWER did these things out of LOVE and CONCERN for me personally. that is certainly be one explanation, and could be the simplest. i could stop there using Occam’s razor and say the simplest explanation is probably the correct one. that POWER also could have provided for my survival for any of a number of other reasons. for example, perhaps there is something i need to do, some little difference i need to make, to preserve the continuity of the universe, going there leads to megalomania.
so i guess where this leaves me is, that after considering the evidence, there certainly is the possibility that the POWER that keeps me clean does love and care for me, or at least arranges events to appear that POWER loves and cares for me. since the possibilities that are tripping through my mind range from mundane to grandiose, i will allow that thought to sink in and see where it ends up as the day progresses. after all, i need not figure out all the answers, and if i allow this mystery to knock around my pointy little head for long enough, the issue will be resolved. so off to trot with the dog then into my busy day. at least it is recovery based and not job based today.

∞ DT ∞