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or just lucky that i survived long enough to become consciously aware of the world i can sense and of a POWER that can keep me clean? here is a clue for one and all, this little post about the reading today may not be your cup of tea, as i am more than likely going way off the beaten path. it is certainly true that when i came to the rooms i had a “chip” on my shoulder about GOD and all that may be considered divine. exposure to those already here, just made me suppress those inclinations as it seemed to me that they did not want to hear about my misgivings, especially before i left the fellowship that was so wrong for me. my attempts to find a POWER greater than i am, that worked for me, was twisty and turny and seemingly without end. when at last i found IT, i had to rethink all that i knew and all that i was, to see how all of this recovery stuff “fit” together. that process is still ongoing, as i am sit on STEP THREE and “feel” my way to that next phase in my recovery.
after that long preamble, this is where i am today. it is hard for me to accept that some “divine BEING” takes a personal interest in me, much less expresses human emotions, such as love. that does not mean i lack FAITH in either the program of recovery nor a POWER that does keep me clean on a daily basis. it just means i do not accept the spiritual world as viewed by my peers. i have arrived at the place in my recovery where i no longer require nor desire an “invisible hand” to be part of how i see my recovery. i have also arrived at a spot where i can allow my peers to make whatever choices they make about how they see that POWER, without judging the f*ck out of them and looking down on them with contempt and derision, which is a huge step forward for me. i have finally reached the place where i can be okay with how i see the spiritual side of this recovery path and allow my peers that same freedom. when it comes to eternal love, even before i got clean, i have to say, i do not buy into the notion that SOMETHING protected me through that idiocy and insanity and chose me to recover.
having totally “strayed” from what i chafed against for so long, i finally have found the means to be one with m,y peers, and be comfortable using the language that makes them comfortable, with out being uncomfortable myself. when i say GOD, i am thinking the POWER that fuels my recovery, whatever that POWER may look like. getting to the place where i can surrender my will and my life into the care of that POWER has been crazy difficult, as i am still fighting the notions of what i once saw as that POWER versus how i now “feel” that POWER in my life. when the battle is between what i think and what i feel, there is always much wailing and gnashing of teeth, before the matter is settled. that period feels as if it is coming to its conclusion. what was is what was and can be put into its place. what is, is a new understanding and a new way of feeling the effects of that POWER, in my daily existence. my job, as i see it anyhow, is to go with that flow and see where i end up. just for today.

∞ DT ∞