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the POWER that fuels my recovery and today, i will claim it for my own. so the other night, i shocked a few members when i said i only come to meetings for ME. there was absolutely no altruism in my being there, it was purely selfish. in retrospect, i still stand by that statement and have absolutely no concerns about what anyone else may think about what that may imply. for me, the newcomer is not the most important person in the room, i am. BUT, for the group that is not true, and when i act as part of the group, i certainly see the difference. yes, the POWER that fuels my recovery, does not color my thoughts with good and evil, and when i am honest about what may appear to be an inherent conflict within my belief structure, i go to that source and allow myself the time to allow those issues to resolve, hence the return to a theme that is a few days old.
as part of the group, i can and do put aside my thoughts and beliefs and defer to the collective conscience of the group itself. when i was first introduced top that idea, what seems like a century ago, but maybe only a minute. i resisted that notion with my entire being. i saw such behavior as cult-like and brainwashing, and eventually if i surrendered to group think, i would be at the airport giving away flowers and greeting everyone with “have a blessed day.”
these days, after some time clean, i see that deferring to the group, the service structure and to my fellowship as a whole, keeps the fellowship strong and vital. participating actively in that decision-making process, is how i put my two cents in and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to speak through me. accepting the outcome and owning those decisions is how i walk with the POWER that fuels my recovery and remain one with the fellowship that has shown me a new way to live. owning that i too, have a brain, reason and a bit of intellect, is also affirming that POWER's influence on me. call it love, caring or a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, the result is the same, i GET to stay clean today, participate in my recovery and help my fellowship grow. whether or not i was protected from my stupidity during my active addiction, was the work of a HIGHER POWER or not, is totally irrelevant, but i do understand how many need that idea to give them comfort. for me, i see all that happened or did not happen across the course of active addiction as necessary for me to become who i am today. whether or not i was fated to get clean, or preserved by some omnipotent GOD are questions that are throwaways and unnecessary to build my FAITH that i am right where i am supposed to be.
the power of love? well that is one of the strongest forces in my life today, regardless of its source. today i can and will give and more importantly receive love from whatever source it comes from. today i will not be defined by who i was, but allow myself the freedom to be defined by who i am right now, which of course will change in the next 290 minutes.
speaking of which, it certainly is time to use the next 20, to get ready to move on over to Boulder and earn my daily bread. yes i am clean and i am grateful for the power to stay clean today and i know that only comes from the POWER that fuels my recovery.

∞ DT ∞