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in doing this, i find my life meshing more and more easily with the order of things around me. plus, i get a feeling of serenity that comes from the certainty, that i followed a process that led to my true will being expressed and not my self-will. i understand what self-will these days, and the more clearly i see it in my peers and associates the better i can see it in myself. it is darkly through the glass of observation that my own behavior sharpens into focus. my experiences over the past year in my own personal relationships may appear disastrous on the surface, my behavior mean-spirited and cruel, but as i focus on what has really happened to me, i find that i could have been a bit sifter in how i did things, the outcome was in alignment with my true will for myself, and as the eleventh step points out, that as i practice conscious contact my true will aligns itself with the will of a HIGHER POWER. i know today i am healthier because of my actions, and that a HIGHER POWER gave me the desire to free myself of the shackles of the toxic relationships i was engaged in, even if the other party was clueless how sick those relationships were in the long run. i know today, that i can stand up for myself. i know that i can be a friend, and let a friend go, and that neither action will kill me. i know today, that it is the decision-making process, and not the final outcome that is important, whether or not, i have to make a decision in micro-seconds or weeks. i know today, that there is more to life than i have been getting out of it, and have the desire to find out what i want to do when i grow up. no, not my career, i am quite satisfied in that respect. i am talking about hobbies, avocations and other interests outside of the fellowship, but perhaps with other members of the fellowship. i have a new calling these days, and as a result am ready to follow it, to where it will go or grow as the case may be.
part of the revelation here, is that my toxic relationships, the ones i was willing to maintain regardless of the cost, were and are an expression on my self-will. amazing as it seems to me today, on the other side of this growth process, it is still hard to believe the lengths i was willing to go, to keep myself sick. as i sit here this morning, i have a greater sense of who i am, and where i want to go. no not the final destination, i already know what that is, the manner in which i arrive at that final place; how i live my life;how i allow myself to be transformed into the person i have always wanted to be; and what that man looks like spiritually when his journey is complete. this reading goes straight to the heart of being here and being present for what is going on now. making goals and plans are part of that, letting go of outcomes and results is part of that to. most of all, it is being as true to myself as i can be, as i walk through each moment in life, instead of worrying what the next moment will bring.
so speaking of transformations, no i am not losing any weight, but i am certainly losing the inches of stored energy i have laid down over the course of my years of living large. that is, however, a digression, what i really meant to say,, it is time to hit the streets and work on that stored energy one more time, after all, i am becoming a man and a person that i nvere thought i would be. just for today.

∞ DT ∞