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i find myself in constant conflict with everyone and everything around me.
and although i may not be showing that conflicted and frustrated face to the world in general, that is what i have been feeling lately -- frustrated, confused, out of sorts and disconnected. i understand that before i am truly willing to finish the writing on my fourth step, i need to have lived through the self-will part of the third, but GAWD how this has really been sucking lately. requests from clients feel like demands. plans to spend time with my friends seem unattainable because i just do not have the time. spending the time to fulfill my service commitments feels like an infinite weight on my shoulders. in fact doing anything except sitting around , smoking cigars and shooting the shit feels unacceptable these days. i have more than enough work to do, but all i want to do is absolutely nothing. and so it goes, the reading this morning nailed what is really going on with me -- i have a severe case of self-importance creating a situation where of course i know best about what i need to do with me life and by extension the lives of those around me. and the conflict grows the more i exert what of course i see as the only reasonable course of action.
well enough of this bullshit! time to take some time for me and get caught up with my spiritual homework, the step work that has been languishing on the upper shelf of my bookcase, waiting for me to reach the place in my spiritual landscape that is bleak enough to force me to move on. and i am finally coming to realize how bleak the situation is getting.
i would love to sit here and whine on and on about how my latest bout of self-will is destroying my life and serenity but you all know this pitiful refrain, perhaps from your own experience, what i will say is that i really do have to go and take care of the things i need to get done today. after all there are more than a few people counting on seeing some results and i am one of them!

∞ DT ∞