Blog entry for:

in my life is to break my reliance on ego, coming to rely instead on the guidance and power offered to me by the POWER that fuels my recovery.
as the reading sunk in, i finally saw what it was about a very expected reaction, that so totally pissed me off. the letter i received a week ago, had no surprises in it, and yet i was butt-hurt enough to say: “fVck off, have a great life, leave me alone, i want nothing more to do with you!”
yes, it was the mirror of the behaviors of others, showing me what i do not want to see, but unfortunately what i NEED to see. yes, that missive from hell, as it were, was full of contempt and self-will. it is a perfect example of an over-inflated ego, trying to assert itself and manipulate the world to suit its needs. how do i know this? well, i am in the same boat. i am hardly immune to over-inflation of my ego. i am not above a bit of manipulation to adjust the world to my selfish needs. nor am i free from the obsession with self, that drives self-will. when my shortcomings are thrown up into my face, i react defensively, and defensive was certainly my reaction, when i took the time to read that letter.
six days later? well the smoke is starting to clear, and i am moving into a new spot as i realize that i can never, ever meet the expectations of the man on the other side of that letter, and unfortunately, he probably is incapable of meeting mine, even though i would gleefully say, that his letter was living up to my expectations in full. what i am hearing as i wind down this morning is that life is too short for me to walk around believing that i am the exception to the rules. that someone out there owes me something. or that somehow, somewhere, i can get everything my little heart desires, and get it right now. can i let go of self, and especially the image of myself i want to project to the rest of the world, even for a minute? of course i can, i have done so in the past and if i allow myself to be guided by the POWER that fuels my recovery. anyhow, enough of being distracted,now that my fantasy football obsession has been satisfied now that i have everything on my work space set-up and ready to go. it must be time to move forward with the task that is on my desk.
i really do hate seeing myself in others, and there are days when i wish that was not so. i want to be right, and self-righteous. i want to avenge the imagined harms perpetrated upon me. i want to have justification to burn a relationship down to the ground, BUT all of that is really inconsistent with the man i really want to become. as the battle between ego and GOD heats up from time to time, i have to realize that the POWER that fuels my recovery is an asset for me, and not a stumbling block to acquiring my desires. when i bend my will, and do so gratefully to fit into that plan, i am better off, in both the short and long run. so it is off to code land again and see if i can be more than i ever thought i was, just for today.

∞ DT ∞