Blog entry for:

meetings give me the support and direction i need to recover from addiction, so the answer is...
as long as i am still an addict, which means, that as long as i want to recover.
this morning i am feeling great, and i have yet to go run. the meeting last night left me a little bit dissatisfied as it felt like a parade of FNGs, telling me how the program SHOULD be worked. i did restrain myself, and since i felt more than touch emotional, i kept my mouth closed. during my TENTH step last night i reviewed that decision and came to the conclusion that it was a good one, after all, the last person i want to be these days, is the one that chase all those FNGs out of the rooms. oh, i know i do not have that sort of power, but i could certainly provide the rationalizations and the lies they need to disqualify themselves. i certainly am beginning to get why some members stop coming to meetings altogether after they have some time clean. not because they think they are cured, although that may be the reason, simply because they, like me, tire of hearing the same tripe come out of the mouths of the thirty day wonders and the infinite relapse junkies. so as i sat there last night reviewing my day, i was struck about how judgmental i have been lately, yes i know i am always judgmental to some extent, and i have even rationalized it as part of the human condition, but lately it has either become more pronounced or i am more aware of it. either way, it really does not matter, it is up to me, to allow the process of recovery to work in my life and surrender that particular shortcoming into the care of a HIGHER POWER.
where was i? oh yeah, how long do i have to… the party line, and one that i have no problem parroting this morning is until i die. i am after all an addict. i will remain as addict, regardless of how many meetings i attend, how long i stay clean or how many times i work a cycle of 12 steps. so if i am an addict and i am going to always be an addict, than it follows i have to keep going to meetings until i no longer desire to recover.
so what really set me off last night? two things. one addict who said he once had 24 years clean, but relapsed because he tasted liquor on the lips of a woman, then in the next breath he said he only just now got a sponsor and was working the steps, all he had before he started using was confidants. WELL DUH! i wanted to say what a fVcking nut job you are, of course you had no defense against relapse as you were no longer actively working the program and you will keep on “slipping” until you give up the notion that you have any clue about recovery, using after 24 years clean MEANS THAT YOU HAVE A RESERVATION and time to unlearn all those bad habits your previous recovery incarnation ingrained into you. the second tidbit? a retread FNG saying “using is not an option” get a clue dude, using IS ALWAYS AN OPTION! the gift of recovery is that it is an option i do not have to exercise today,
so there you have it, my diatribes against the lunacy i heard last night, and you know what, i WILL keep coming back, because just for today, i do not want to be them, and i know how not to be a using addict, ONE DAY AT A TIME!

∞ DT ∞