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pays off is a tough topic for me to get started on this morning, as i know it is true in my specific experience and the experiences of my friends and peers in recovery, who i have had the privilege of seeing them grow out of the shell of active addiction into the more realized human versions of themselves. i wanted to lead off with an very old joke: Jesus saves, but Moses invests. i was, however, at a loss as how to use that as my lead in. now that i have started down a path, i can see that my first sponsor, did save me, even though he was not really the one that could take me to any sort of the promised land of a program of daily, active recovery. my second sponsor, before he disappeared into the heartland of America, got me started on that journey, but it was not until i had to start working with my current sponsor, that i felt that someone was actually investing their time and energy, into helping me find the path i am on today. more than once, i lapsed into complacency and decided things were “good enough,” and he asked me a series of questions which tossed my world view and got me moving again. i may not currently be working a fresh set of steps, but i am doing the work to maintain and enhance my recovery on a daily basis. one, such as myself, does not stay clean for any length of time, if one does not find the ways and means to be better than one was yesterday, no matter how seemingly small that change may be.
my problem and i believe it is one that i share with many of my fellow addicts is that i want immediate gratification. i certainly know that learning how to wait for something, is a learned behavior in my case, whether or not my need for instant rewards is hard-wired within me or i was cultured into believing that i deserved it. for me, perseverance still takes practice. i still want what i want, right now, whether or not i have done the work to get it.
last night i played my little “how spiritually fit am i” game, by driving to my service commitment, without leaving the right hand lane, no matter what. it is not often that i practice such a thing, as i drive as if i have to be the First On Race Day, leaving all those on the road with me, in the dust. ironically, i got rewarded as i played the game as ending up in the lane that was going faster than traffic, but following at a safe distance and matching the speed of the car ahead of me and i arrived at my destination in the same amount of time as the week before, when i was driving in my “normal” mode. the difference was i was cool, calm and collected and did not need to decompress before heading in to carry a message of recovery. that tiny bit of perseverance, was rewarded, i “got” to be more serene that usual. be that as it may, i have a full day ahead of me and it is time to get dressed out and hit the streets for a workout. that is yet another example of persevering, but that just might be a topic for another day. today, i am grateful to be able to CHOOSE a life that allows me the choice to LIVE clean, just for today

∞ DT ∞