Some memes

an **ordinary** person and probably never was one. i am not a member of the other 85% who are not addicts and by no means do i understand what they seem to know and feel without any **lessons** or coaching. simply put, i am an addict and i have come to believe that as an addict, i have to take certain steps and be a part of a fellowship of like-minded people, else i will forget what life was once like. the story that i tell myself is that perhaps, because i have been diligent and deliberative in my recovery journey, that something has changed. the problem with that story, is that there is quite a large element of truth to it. a whole bunch of stuff has changed and i have changed as well. the insanity of that story is not unlike the medieval alchemist's dream of changing a base metal such as lead into gold. i may have a “golden” life but the metal of who and what i am, has not changed. i am still, despite my progress, an addict and not of some description or type. just a plain, garden variety addict, who wants to be more than a person that is a martyr to addiction. what that means, at least for me, that if i want to continue my transformation into a person i have always admired, i still have to go to meetings, clean-time does not make me anything but an addict who has piled up several thousand days of not using. just for today, i will be okay with the facts of my life, just as they are, and keep going to the meetings for however long i have the desire to stay clean.

∞ DT ∞