Blog entry for:

**may i please have a heart attack or a fatal accident?**
well this reading is quite fitting for me, as i am smack dab in the middle of a second step, and having all kinds of opportunities to define what sanity would look like to me. the most insane part, is that i had not even been able to see how insane i was, or perhaps better put still am. as i commented on yesterday, it will more than likely be my turn next to demonstrate exactly how insane i can be, and although i do not look forward to that event, neither do i feel trepidation over its eventual arrival.
what keeps getting hammered home, is that in my step work writing, that i though i had all ready to roll two weeks ago, there seems to be something missing. what it is, i am getting a grasp on now, i NEED to stop believing the lies i hear and basing my perception of reality on those lies. this can be a tricky requirement, since it is the lies i tell myself about the world, the people in it and how i fit in, within that structure, that hare the insidious and the hardest to detect. since i am constantly reshaping my memories of events and situations in the past, as those in the know happen to be saying these days, based on their scientific research, how can i sanely see the world in the world when nothing within me is stable, especially my memories and the feelings i have about those ever shifting fragments of the past. in other words my insanity feeds upon itself and actually expands if not brought into check by the POWER that keeps me clean.
so i see this morning, that the definition of sanity that i desire to be restored to has to take into account my flawed perception of reality. i guess what i could ass to that vision of sanity, is a better understanding of how i see reality and the ability to sift through what is real, what may be real, and what is a pure and simple fantasy. not too much to ask for after all, the POWER that fuels my recovery, got me clean and continues to provide that which i need to stay clean. i do sense an addition coming to my TENTH and ELEVENTH STEPS, based upon this new understanding that i have been given. that is however a topic for another day.
as i have done more than just write this little ditty this morning, it probably is a sign that i NEED to move forward and get on to my task du jour. so i will say adios until next time.

∞ DT ∞