Blog entry for:

for the degree of sanity, to which i have been restored. with a such as that, one might expect that i am feeling rainbows and daisies popping up all over my life. the truth is, not so much. that however, does not prevent me from being grateful for what i do have today. one of my peers, here in my local fellowship walks around throwing all sorts of evidence of how grateful they happen to be today, for what they have. being the cynic that i am, i wonder when the hammer will drop and what i see as a carefully crafted con job, will fall to pieces. i choose not to express my doubts about their sincerity to my peers, because when and if i am proven wrong, i do not want to have to own that mistake, so i mention it here, because i do not care who reads what i happen to pound out on a daily basis. the reason i even bring it up, is because when i start feeling grateful for what i have, i often see myself as conning myself and everyone else. after all, as an addict, i am never satisfied with what i have. i never have enough and as a result what i have been give, be it material wealth or spiritual gains, only whets my appetite for more. it should follow that if i have a little gratitude i should be looking for moire, in a never-ending cycle of growth and expansion. that would be nice, but it is not how i roll, as to my peer? well they are who they are and i have to take it at face value that what they are putting out as their truth, is just that, the truth.
which finally brings me around to where i am at, how grateful am i for the amount of insanity that is no longer part of my life. yes the half-empty, half-full, dilemma, but with an entirely different vessel. i certainly do not walk around in abject desire of getting that next fix. nor do i lay awake nights scheming about how i can get what i want, without doing the work necessary to do so. in fact i am paying the consequences for my last bout of insanity and feeling the pain of returning what i should have never asked for. so it goes, i am grateful for having the means to do so and even though i am buying chances to win millions of dollars, i am not staking my future on winning any of those millions. for me, it is sort of fun and if the improbable does happen, well then, i will be grateful for having had the 𔄬foresight” to spend $8.00 a week, if not, well it is only $8.00 a week and it is certainly less that four trips to Starbucks. yes, these days, i am making choices based on reality, at least in the financial realm. in the physical realm, walking as i have done, has had great rewards. dropping a few inches here and there, now means i have to start wearing a belt or buy new pants. new pants, are not part of the plan, so wearing a belt, has to become part of my daily attire. more than anything, what i am finding is an increase in my energy levels and the ability to sleep more soundly. little did i realize that when i asked for a fitness tracker as a birthday gift, that i would gratefully accept the consequences of using it. as the season progresses towards winter, it will be interesting to see how grateful i am to have the desire to get thousands of steps each and every day. so, in this respect i am grateful for having the desire to be healthier and look better, by exercising on a daily basis. the insanity of being slothful and expecting to be healthy has certainly been removed. not that i am a big fan of the seven deadly sins, but i really did live a slothful life and next to go in this new lifestyle, is tobacco. once again that comes down to money $100 a month surcharge by my company, if i cannot pass a nicotine swab test on a periodic basis.
in the spiritual realm, the insanity of trying to match my concept of a spiritual path and a HIGHER POWER to that of what i perceive my peers’ concepts to be, has also been removed from my world. i am growing more comfortable in my path, each day, and it certainly fit me well. ironically, as i become further ensconced in where i seem to be going, using the terms that my peers use, becomes less odious to me. the insanity of fighting what i am not, has been taken from me, and that too is part of what i am grateful for today.
the day marches on, and i need to as well. it is a good day to be clean and just a bit more grateful for what i no longer part of my life, just for today.

∞ DT ∞