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i courted a plethora of self-destructive, even fatal outcomes with little or no concern. in fact there were times when i wanted to get a close to the edge as i could, without tipping over into the void. not exactly a model of “sane” behavior.of course, insanity is not exactly a term of relative fitness to live in the real world. i have seen the “truly” insane, those who have serious mental health and the consequences of them choosing to play their own doctor and prescribe for themselves. a psychotic break is never fun for anyone and suicide over the shame of others seeing one in that state, makes it even worse. there was absolutely nothing i could offer to comfort my friend who end his own life, as he could never get past the shame of what he was. so when i speak of insanity and being insane, i have to do so with more than a grain of salt. with that HUGE caveat out of the way, i can speak about the relatively mild insanity that permeated my life in active addiction and how it still affects me today.
getting comfortable with the term sanity, has been quite a journey, even today i struggle seeing those days as full-blown insanity as i drop back into the dual-chromatic version of the real world. it sometimes feel as if i have to be one or the other, sane or insane, and the level of my insanity comes nowhere close to a psychotic break. as i look at my life today, i can see that compared to the days when i was using, i am certainly “sane,” and it is not just because i am no longer using. sure that was the start of my journey to becoming a sane and productive member of society and i do not delude myself into thinking that i could maintain the life i have with a little something, something on the side. that does not mean that all that i do and am, is totally sane, twenty-four hours a day, three-hundred-sixty-five and a quarter days a year. what that does mean, that by staying clean, i can recognize when i am tipping into “insane” behavior and make the necessary adjustments, most of the time.
this morning, as i think about the mess things have been in my life, i realize that as one of my peers is fond of saying nothing is fVcked. sure i need to find a new job, figure out what is wrong with my application, find the ways and means to interact socially while maintaining my COVID-free status and be okay with how the world is spinning. having a bit of FAITH that IF i pay attention to the opportunities that come down the pike, i can and will be able to behave in a “sane” manner and find the courage to stay clean another day.

∞ DT ∞