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...than just a life without drugs. not only is this way of life better than the hell i lived, it is better than any life that i have ever known.
all of that is true and i can say it without any reservations, NOW. HOWEVER, when i first got clean, and finally surrendered to this program of recovery, i was certain that, what was being offered was sure to be a hellish existence in the land of doing what does not come naturally to me. i was correct about living a life that was not natural, after all, i am an addict and addicts use. i was wrong about what life would look like.
part of the problem, way back when, was that i was in the wrong place at the right time. i could not and would not relate to what those members of that other fellowship were saying and as a result, looked for the misery in their lives instead of the HOPE. as much as i hate to admit it, it took me over a year, to find out where i really belonged and by that time, my life was better, i was however not.
i was clean, and i was miserable in those first 13 months of my recovery journey. that was not the fault of others, nor was it the fault of the other program, as much as i would love to blame and flame them. no the fault clearly lies with me, and my plans to return to the life i had known, it was far from evident to me, at that time, that my life before coming to recovery was bleak and dreary existence. i fantasized, glorified and generally lived in euphoric recall about those days, and did all i could to disqualify myself from this manner of living, so i could return to my previous life. quite seriously, life without using was something that would be okay for then, but when my consequences were reduced, i would be going back to where i came from.
so what happened? i am not quite sure, the fact that i was an addict made the journey from my head to my heart, and i finally started to GET the implications of what that meant, in all its glory. it meant that no matter how long i abstained from using, i would always use in the manner i had grown accustomed to using in. it meant that if i decided to use, i would return to thrall of having to get high, to walk through my day. it meant that although i was just learning how to do this relationship gig, i would never be able to go any further. and it meant that i would die in the isolation of active addiction. being the rational sort that i am, i did a cost benefit analysis, and in the end, i decided the benefits of living in recovery far outweighed the costs. that ratio has not been altered on whit, except that the benefits are now far greater than they were way back when, and the costs have remained the same.
where does this lead me to today? a place where i am grateful for what i have been given, and the desire to get even more. yeah i know, one is never enough! anyhow, i have some letters to write and some work to do on my desk, so i do believe i will sign-off by saying, just for today, i am grateful i CHOOSE to be in active recovery.

∞ DT ∞