โ i AM entirely ready to have the POWER that fuels my recovery โ
Posted: Tue, May 17, 2011 08:50:32 AM
remove all these defects of character. one of which was demonstrated quite vividly in my blogus interruptus entry yesterday. the defect? my quick rise to frustration when things do not go EXACTLY as i would have them go! the cure? acceptance, of course! which makes things even worse.
i do not come to whine today, as all of a sudden i seem to have quite a low tolerance for online whining, which perhaps is yet another defect raising it's head. no not my desire to not whine, my lack of tolerance. as the past fifty or so words vividly demonstrate i am still riddled with defects of character, despite my sincere desire to have them removed. better put, i have a conscious desire to have them removed. that is always the rub, what i consciously desire is not always in sync with my inner self, and that lack of synchronicity is what leads to the clashes and confusion within me. there seems to be at times, multiple agendas within me, and i am sure that is no different than the rest of the human race. what makes it worse than the so-called normal world, is two of my agendas are at direct odds with each other, namely my desire to live a life in active recovery and the part of me that wants to run away and hide in the chemically induced haze and fog of active addiction. for me to deny such a battle is being waged would be at best disingenuous. at worst? deadly for sure, but where is the HOPE here. if i can sit here thousands of days after my last use, more than one complete set of steps under my belt, and still have these figurative demons within, why bother?
that is often a question i ask myself, especially after i act out on, oh shall we say, arrogance, which by the way i am more than a bit familiar with in a very up close and personal manner. the part of me that wishes to return to a life of using, uses that as an example of how bad i really am, and as evidence to negate all the change from within, and some days, i hear that very clearly band am lulled by the siren song of active addiction singing that with enough of the right substance i never have to look at being arrogant as something that is undesirable again.after all, that is who i am and who gives a fVck what others may think, as long as i can numb away my judgement of myself.
seductive n'est-ce pas?
there is however, within me, the recognition that i am not that man anymore, and despite what the addict within tells me, chances are there is no longer ENOUGH of anything to accept that lifestyle in my heart of hearts again. in fact, there is probably not ENOUGH of anything to bring me to the blissful oblivion that active using once provided, short of eternal oblivion, and it the long run as well as the short run, i do what i can to resolve this eternal conflict in the here and now. which means coming to accept my conscious desire as my own TRUE will for myself, which leads to an entirely different step altogether. that tells me that regardless of how bad i may act in the here and now, there is HOPE for this addict after all. the amount of time i spend reacting to my character defects has diminished, and although i would love to have it be reduced to ZERO, i know that there are practical limits to that function and after a while the law of diminishing returns sets in. as cynical as that sounds, and it is quite cynical, there is a limit to how well i can get. today i accept that there is a li9mit, HOWEVER i am not there yet, so i do believe i will live this day in active recovery, defects, shortcomings and all, and do my best to reduce the footprint of the addict within on the world with out.
off to a quick trot around the neighborhood, after all i want BIB NUMBER GG-432 to have a great race in t-minus 13 days and counting.
i do not come to whine today, as all of a sudden i seem to have quite a low tolerance for online whining, which perhaps is yet another defect raising it's head. no not my desire to not whine, my lack of tolerance. as the past fifty or so words vividly demonstrate i am still riddled with defects of character, despite my sincere desire to have them removed. better put, i have a conscious desire to have them removed. that is always the rub, what i consciously desire is not always in sync with my inner self, and that lack of synchronicity is what leads to the clashes and confusion within me. there seems to be at times, multiple agendas within me, and i am sure that is no different than the rest of the human race. what makes it worse than the so-called normal world, is two of my agendas are at direct odds with each other, namely my desire to live a life in active recovery and the part of me that wants to run away and hide in the chemically induced haze and fog of active addiction. for me to deny such a battle is being waged would be at best disingenuous. at worst? deadly for sure, but where is the HOPE here. if i can sit here thousands of days after my last use, more than one complete set of steps under my belt, and still have these figurative demons within, why bother?
that is often a question i ask myself, especially after i act out on, oh shall we say, arrogance, which by the way i am more than a bit familiar with in a very up close and personal manner. the part of me that wishes to return to a life of using, uses that as an example of how bad i really am, and as evidence to negate all the change from within, and some days, i hear that very clearly band am lulled by the siren song of active addiction singing that with enough of the right substance i never have to look at being arrogant as something that is undesirable again.after all, that is who i am and who gives a fVck what others may think, as long as i can numb away my judgement of myself.
seductive n'est-ce pas?
there is however, within me, the recognition that i am not that man anymore, and despite what the addict within tells me, chances are there is no longer ENOUGH of anything to accept that lifestyle in my heart of hearts again. in fact, there is probably not ENOUGH of anything to bring me to the blissful oblivion that active using once provided, short of eternal oblivion, and it the long run as well as the short run, i do what i can to resolve this eternal conflict in the here and now. which means coming to accept my conscious desire as my own TRUE will for myself, which leads to an entirely different step altogether. that tells me that regardless of how bad i may act in the here and now, there is HOPE for this addict after all. the amount of time i spend reacting to my character defects has diminished, and although i would love to have it be reduced to ZERO, i know that there are practical limits to that function and after a while the law of diminishing returns sets in. as cynical as that sounds, and it is quite cynical, there is a limit to how well i can get. today i accept that there is a li9mit, HOWEVER i am not there yet, so i do believe i will live this day in active recovery, defects, shortcomings and all, and do my best to reduce the footprint of the addict within on the world with out.
off to a quick trot around the neighborhood, after all i want BIB NUMBER GG-432 to have a great race in t-minus 13 days and counting.
∞ DT ∞