Blog entry for:

i was only looking for the absence of pain.
what a morning, some successes, some failures and some frustrations, and yet, i do not feel like using, which is exactly how it should be. so my car has to go back to the shop, at least i get a massage this morning. so i am broke today, at least i have work that i can do, and money coming in the mail, as it were. yes, there are times i wish that life was easy, and everything i desired was ay my fingertips, and then there are times when everything is okay just the way it is. the difference? well that goes to the seed of this whole exercise, namely, how spiritually fit i am at any given time.
in active addiction, i always looked for the easy way out, and more times than not, things ended up worse. in early recovery, this path looked like the easiest of the two alternatives i had, and in the long run, that also was a misjudgement. had i taken the go to prison option, i would have been done a long time ago, but i would not have been very happy today, if i was still alive and kicking. recovery, while not the easiest softest road, is a road i am grateful i chose, when i was given the opportunity. yes, i have never died from working a step. in fact i have never passed out or been so overwhelmed by my feelings that using became attractive to me,. in fact the more pain i feel before i actually do the work, the more relief i get on the other side, and that is something that might be part of why i NEED pain to work a step. sort of the whole TAO outlook, just as beauty cannot exist without ugliness in the world, so it is in me. lack of pain and it' s cascading feelings cannot be achieved without feeling some pain , my so-called yin and yang.
anyhow, i NEED to get running, and although i have not built up that much pain, perhaps a bit of step work is in order across the activities of my busy day. it is a good day to be here and before i forget congrats George (STRANGER) on 366 days clean, you did it one day at a time.

∞ DT ∞