๐ก no matter what ๐คฌ
Posted: Thu, Jun 2, 2022 11:04:45 AM
prevents me from living a full, happy life, i have a path to FREEDOM, today. quite the yippy-skippy start to an exercise writing about being stuck. i have been stuck more than once in my recover, but today, that is not the case. yes there are obstacles that i “feel” may be “keeping” from being happy and enjoying my recovery, but as i enumerate them, i see they are all obstacles i CHOOSE to allow to block my progress, and not really part of my reality, such as it is.
most of what i think is blocking my forward progress, is shit that i have absolutely, positively no means to affect any sort of change. when someone refuse to see, i cannot remove the blinders from their eyes or break through their denial, especially when FEAR of “negative” outcomes pervades their perception. i cannot free anyone from FEAR, nor can i open the mind of someone who is certain they “know” more than i do, the truth is, perhaps they do.
living as i do, in the here and now for the most part, i can look back at myself and see the same patterns of pain and fear, for as long as i can remember. somewhere, somehow i internalized the notion that i was born to suffer and everything that happened to me, was exactly what i deserved. i played the victim and the martyr quite well, until i came to a place in my recovery where i got sick and tired of being part of the downtrodden masses. i learned how to take responsibility for my life and decided that i may have been victimized by others or addiction, but i did not need to live in those dark shadows anymore. from that point in my recovery, when i tripped into that trap, i used the ways and means provided to me by my peers to get out. some of the time, it meant step work. some of the time, it meant writing and praying about. some of the time it meant doing nothing and allowing my feelings to catch up with my thoughts. whatever it took, and whatever it takes, i know today that i can stay stuck for as long as i want to and work my way out when i tire of being miserable. i am not miserable today, i can let go of those who will not or cannot move forward, until they ask for my assistance, and then only do that which i am capable of accomplishing, just for today.
most of what i think is blocking my forward progress, is shit that i have absolutely, positively no means to affect any sort of change. when someone refuse to see, i cannot remove the blinders from their eyes or break through their denial, especially when FEAR of “negative” outcomes pervades their perception. i cannot free anyone from FEAR, nor can i open the mind of someone who is certain they “know” more than i do, the truth is, perhaps they do.
living as i do, in the here and now for the most part, i can look back at myself and see the same patterns of pain and fear, for as long as i can remember. somewhere, somehow i internalized the notion that i was born to suffer and everything that happened to me, was exactly what i deserved. i played the victim and the martyr quite well, until i came to a place in my recovery where i got sick and tired of being part of the downtrodden masses. i learned how to take responsibility for my life and decided that i may have been victimized by others or addiction, but i did not need to live in those dark shadows anymore. from that point in my recovery, when i tripped into that trap, i used the ways and means provided to me by my peers to get out. some of the time, it meant step work. some of the time, it meant writing and praying about. some of the time it meant doing nothing and allowing my feelings to catch up with my thoughts. whatever it took, and whatever it takes, i know today that i can stay stuck for as long as i want to and work my way out when i tire of being miserable. i am not miserable today, i can let go of those who will not or cannot move forward, until they ask for my assistance, and then only do that which i am capable of accomplishing, just for today.
∞ DT ∞