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for me it is how i humbly give back to the fellowship that is giving me the new manner of living. okay i know, there is a theory that once i say i am being humble, i no longer am, and although it is an interesting theory, and one that may have some validity, today i say maybe but not right now.
after that brief diversion into diatribe, where was i going? oh yeah, this morning, this reading is feels sport of awkward for me to comment upon. i left the whole service committee scene a year ago and basically never have looked back. i would like to say that i miss it, and perhaps i do, as i am now attending area service as a representative for my little group. i also served on the convention committee during the last convention cycle. so for all mu noise about service committee service, i am still there. in fact i will be in Montana in July to meet my commitment to that service body, so yargh, no matter how far i run, there i am.
working with others, on the other hand, has seemed to fill the time that i once spent on the multiple committees and positions i once held. all in all, i still get that i serve in that respect because i desire to serve in that respect. being part of carrying the message is more important to me than bragging about how i am a part of the that solution and then spend my time writing guidelines, budgets and grasping on to every little of bit of personal power i may have until there is no one left who actually wants to work with me. in fact, those who see me coming run in the opposite direction because they know i am such a terror. i have been that service monster in the past. bashing others with my version of the traditions, hammering them with my spin of my years in service, and generally being part of the problem rather than any part of the solution. the worst part about that character? i know he still exists and can come screaming back to once again rule the roost. that version of me, while effective in what he accomplishes is far from humble and does not even bother to attempt to look humble in the slightest. his arrogance and superiority reigns supreme, and even thinking about that persona today send shivers down my spine.
not that guidelines, procedure and budgets are unimportant, no matter how disorganized the service effort may appear, adding a bit of structure is not a bad thing. when that effort to add structure distracts from the task at hand? well service becomes the circus and nightmare that keeps many from being a part of, and i am part of that barrier to others. you know, the more i ponder this whole issues, the more i know that i am still not spiritually fit enough to go back to that level of service. i feel my anger rising, just knowing that the service beast still is there, ready to take over and destroy all that is not of his vision, all the time telling everyone that THIS IS THE WAY THINGS NEED TO DONE. ignoring the chorus of group conscience, manipulating the opinion of others and generally shoving my ideas down the throat of all those who happen to share the unfortunate situation of having to serve with him.
which quite neatly seems to have brought me to the topic at hand, learning to be a part of the group conscience and accept the results, regardless of how i feel about the outcome. simply put, being a part of the solution and not part of the problem.
someday, i will be able to humbly serve at the service committee level again, as i grow into humble being who i am and see what my REAL part in all of that may be. it will not be the promise of a service award, given to me in front of the entire fellowship that will drive my desire to serve, nor will it be some sort of having to leave a legacy behind , because i am afraid of becoming irrelevant. honestly, that service beast within is already irrelevant and as irrelevant as the members whose behavior he has been modeled after. sadly it is true, that within many there exists that service beast and it is only my recognition of the harm that part of me does, that keeps me from unleashing him again. an interesting thought as i finish up STEP THREE and prepare to move on. so it is off to the streets before the REAL heat kicks in, with this thought in mind, am i part of the solution or part of the problem today?

∞ DT ∞