โช my personal story may varies its details from other recovering people โช
Posted: Sat, Jul 2, 2011 08:49:18 AM
HOWEVER, in the end we all have the same thing in common. so for whatever reason i did not write this a year ago, i mean WTF, i thought i was pretty consistent writing these little ditties, even when they are very brief, like the two before today's exercise. not that i am planning about going on and on about nothing BUT i have a feeling i have a whole lot to say on this topic.
in the twilight days of my active addiction, i was so different from everyone in the world, that i had developed a sort of arrogance around that fact. i was unlovable because not one soul would ever understand me and if someone did ‘get’ me, than they were to sick to really offer me anything of consequence.
the days between my first meeting and finally coming to recovery were not much different. when i was clear, i still was way too different, and i was certain that the only way to succeed at life was to use every 20 to 30 days, as that seemed the only manner to rid myself at the rage i felt at everyone and everything that crossed my path. just a little dab would do me as the the old jingle goes.
arriving at the jumping off point and coming to see that perhaps recovery was the path for me, left me with this problem, how could these freaks ever begin to help someone as complex, layered and nuanced as myself. i could see right from the start that there was going to be more than a problem or two, and my first sponse, never made any promises that he would ever understand me. what he said was he understood addiction, and that IF i was like him, THAN, i too could find a new manner of living that was beyond my wildest dreams. although i parted ways with him, when i finally arrived in the fellowship that has become my home, i finally get what he said all those days ago. it was not necessary for him to ‘get’ me, to give me what he had so freely been given.
what happened as i worked through that first set of steps and finally stumbled into the fellowship that does ‘get’ me, is that i could hear the elements my life in what others openly shared. it was not about what and how i used, it was about what using did for me that was important. it was not about what i gave away or lost, it was about using becoming so paramount ion my daily life that i gladly gave away everything, including any smattering of self-respect i once may have had. it was not about what my station in life happened to be by the time i GOT clean and finally found recovery, it was about how i felt about myself and the bleak nature of my internal emotional landscape. it was not about the religious traditions i was running form, it was about the dearth of spiritual insight i possessed. all of this, i finally found in common with my fellows members and once i could start to hear it, the comparisons began to slip away. okay, here is where i tell on myself. as much as i hate to admit it, i still make comparisons and make decisions and judgements based on those comparisons, after all i am still an…
yes, as hard as it is to believe, i have not been totally relieved of the need to contrast and compare and perhaps this is a human trait that is being pared down to the level of those who are not addicts. i do know that when it stops serving me, it will be removed. although it is still present and active in my life, READ: current behavior none of the old behavior obfuscation bullsh!t, i am present for it and today i can choose to behave as a result of my comparison or dismiss it as the ramblings of a still sick and twisted mind. that my friends is part of the gift of the steps. the ability to recognize stuff like this and choose to act, rather than react.
anyhow, i am going to pick up the pace and get moving on to my next task of this fine Saturday morning. it is a great day to be clean and i will do what i can to see myself in others and allow them to see themselves in me, after all, i am not really all that complex, deep or nuanced.
in the twilight days of my active addiction, i was so different from everyone in the world, that i had developed a sort of arrogance around that fact. i was unlovable because not one soul would ever understand me and if someone did ‘get’ me, than they were to sick to really offer me anything of consequence.
the days between my first meeting and finally coming to recovery were not much different. when i was clear, i still was way too different, and i was certain that the only way to succeed at life was to use every 20 to 30 days, as that seemed the only manner to rid myself at the rage i felt at everyone and everything that crossed my path. just a little dab would do me as the the old jingle goes.
arriving at the jumping off point and coming to see that perhaps recovery was the path for me, left me with this problem, how could these freaks ever begin to help someone as complex, layered and nuanced as myself. i could see right from the start that there was going to be more than a problem or two, and my first sponse, never made any promises that he would ever understand me. what he said was he understood addiction, and that IF i was like him, THAN, i too could find a new manner of living that was beyond my wildest dreams. although i parted ways with him, when i finally arrived in the fellowship that has become my home, i finally get what he said all those days ago. it was not necessary for him to ‘get’ me, to give me what he had so freely been given.
what happened as i worked through that first set of steps and finally stumbled into the fellowship that does ‘get’ me, is that i could hear the elements my life in what others openly shared. it was not about what and how i used, it was about what using did for me that was important. it was not about what i gave away or lost, it was about using becoming so paramount ion my daily life that i gladly gave away everything, including any smattering of self-respect i once may have had. it was not about what my station in life happened to be by the time i GOT clean and finally found recovery, it was about how i felt about myself and the bleak nature of my internal emotional landscape. it was not about the religious traditions i was running form, it was about the dearth of spiritual insight i possessed. all of this, i finally found in common with my fellows members and once i could start to hear it, the comparisons began to slip away. okay, here is where i tell on myself. as much as i hate to admit it, i still make comparisons and make decisions and judgements based on those comparisons, after all i am still an…
yes, as hard as it is to believe, i have not been totally relieved of the need to contrast and compare and perhaps this is a human trait that is being pared down to the level of those who are not addicts. i do know that when it stops serving me, it will be removed. although it is still present and active in my life, READ: current behavior none of the old behavior obfuscation bullsh!t, i am present for it and today i can choose to behave as a result of my comparison or dismiss it as the ramblings of a still sick and twisted mind. that my friends is part of the gift of the steps. the ability to recognize stuff like this and choose to act, rather than react.
anyhow, i am going to pick up the pace and get moving on to my next task of this fine Saturday morning. it is a great day to be clean and i will do what i can to see myself in others and allow them to see themselves in me, after all, i am not really all that complex, deep or nuanced.
∞ DT ∞