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living on self-will inevitably leads to disaster.
as i sit here on the bus i did not want to take, i have all sorts of stuff running through my head. my quiet time this morning, kept bringing me back to a conversation i had yesterday and what i kept hearing was yes, that addict was correct, i have too much personal investment in their recovery, and as a result i have inconvenient and inappropriate feelings. what i heard, when i let go, was that my feelings cannot be changed, but the level of what i am willing to invest can. yes, better feeling through better behavior. it will be tough for me to walk away from my personal investment, and alter what i think about things, but it does feel like the correct action to take. the problem is not his, it is mine, and the time has come for me to allow myself to hear what i am being told, cut my personal losses and walk away. this will not be the first time i have moved on from relationship, or even this relationship, and it more than likely will not be the last. this takes me hack to the whole power gig, and what personal power i do have, and where i have to depend on a POWER greater than myself to provide for mew what i cannot provide for myself.
over the past 4 days i have been getting this message and not listening to it. even as i see it, there are no guarantees that even IF i do everything correctly, at least as far as i see it, that my plans and expectations will come to fruition. living in self-will sucks!
riding the bus, all week, and driving a rental car, is not what i want to do, but it is what i NEED to do to pay my bills, provide for my well-being and be more than i was yesterday, w2hich was an angry and yes, resentful addict, who was ready to say FVCK IT and act like the other 85% of humanity. i certainly had the means to do so yesterday, as i was hanging with a whole bunch of those others, and was in a social situation where it was not only tolerated but part of the scene. ironic, that i see how close i was yesterday, and how some POWER kept me clean, when using almost came automatically to me. take that!
who is driving this bus anyway? well, this morning it is not me., and using over the feelings that i have from the actions of others, is certainly a behavior i have not even thought about for quite a bit of time. one of my favorite refrains: see what you made me do!
today? well i am going to write a letter, arrange to have a car for the next week, see a man about a job and allow myself the freedom to be human. anything else, will just be gravy! it is a great day to be clean and it is certainly a great day to realize where i can go, when i live in self-will, there are certain results that i do not want, but in those times am willing to accept. and that is a scary thought, to start my day off with today. the HOPE? that i see that and am 2willing to do something about solving that particular problem, by surrendering my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, after all, IT did keep me clean yesterday.

∞ DT ∞