Blog entry for:

to be in harmony with the world around me, and the very souls who can save my life. after a long night at work and a short night of down time, the reading this morning allows mew a moment to glance at how i am behaving, long term, and how to correct my behaviors when sleep deprived, on a day like today. i went to bed last night, without doing a TENTH STEP, because i rationalized my need to get to sleep fifteen minutes earlier as more important than looking at my day. it works out, i fell right asleep. the consequence of that decision became clear this morning as i was “sitting.” i was more focused on yesterday, that what was going on inside of me, and took care of the lingering business from yesterday. i am far from being in harmony with the world around me and certainly will probably react in a less than stellar manner when i get frustrated today. in this case, a bit knowledge is a bit of wisdom. as i sit and watch my 401K shrink in value and my insurance premiums go up, i wonder what the FVCK is going on around me and if my optimism that this whole alt-right experiment in politics will vanish into deep dank pits of HELL, is a mistake. it is evident that i am not at the top of my game this morning, as i feel less than HOPEFUL about the future. in fact, the way i feel this morning, is quite similar to the way i felt, back in the day ➱ cloudy and grey. in fact my mood matches the weather this morning and armed with that knowledge as well, i can be a bit more vigilant, so my TENTH STEP tonight does not require a whole lot of “oopsie-doodle” texts to promptly admit where i failed to be right.
with a bit of perspective about where i am, i can easily see myself slipping into a bout of self-will and hating the world and everyone in it, acting as-if i am some sort of rock, impervious to the slings and arrows of self-deceit and degradation and marching through the world with no care or concern for those around me. not a pretty picture and one that i CHOOSE to avoid, by taking a minute or three to sit once again and just breathe.
and that helped, just the tiniest bit. once again, another example of how powerlessness makes my life unmanageable, as that whole “Gloomy Gus” bit was wearing a bit thin. it is hard to believe that used to be my default lifestyle. when i peek at where i am today and give it a valid comparison to where i was when i walked into the rooms, or even a year ago, i see that is because of those very souls i am wont to trash, that i have been able to move forward in my life, beyond any sort of the “pipe” i once cherished. i do think that on that note, i need to wrap this up, allow myself a moment to gather my wits, shower off the past twenty-four hours and become present for the people who provide me the means to live thsi life i have been gifted with today. it may not be my best day clean, but it certainly does beat most of the days i had, when i was using.

∞ DT ∞