Blog entry for:

provides me with a sense of clarity, direction, and peace. although for the most part, i am mostly clueless about what that will may be. as a result of not paying attention, or ignoring the world around me, i MISS what i many time NEED to hear and bumble my way through each day from one mini-disaster to another. or at least that was how i used to live. what i was displaying there was just a bit of false humility and why i needed to do so today, is beyond me. yes there are certainly days like that, HOWEVER, most days are not. most days, i am present enough to detect the difference between self-will and the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. most days, i get most of what is going on around me. i may not understand or lack the context to deal with it, BUT i do observe and record it for future consideration. yes for the most part i am in tune with that will and act accordingly. i am however, far from being perfect and i DO ion a daily basis, take back the control of my life, believe it is i who makes my life manageable and hence i NEED to direct events and the universe around me, to suit my will. i have found, that at least for me, in this realm, there is quite a bit of gray to deal with and there is little black and white at the very extremes. oh it happens, there are moments when i am totally in the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery and there are even more times when self-will is running riot, to use a tired old bromide. the real fact is most of the time, my behaviors, my judgements, my actions and my perceptions of elements of both, and that is why i am starting to get what it means by a HIGHER POWER's will becoming my own TRUE will for myself. STEP 11, helps me to internalize that will and allow it to be the force behind all that i do. just as there are functions that never reach zero, but get so infinitesimally close as it can be said that as they approach infinity their limit is zero, so it is with me and my recovery. as i allow the steps and a program of active recovery to work it function on me and transform me, i become closer to the ideal of living in a HIGHER POWER's will, and at times the distance between reality and that ideal are imperceptible to those around me as well as myself.
anyhow, for a day off and the first day of my vacation, i have a bunch of stuff to accomplish, starting with a bit a run. it is a great day to open myself to the notion of a HIGHER POWER and IT' s will for me, and perhaps i can move closer to the ideal and further away form the pure selfish and self-willed person i can be.

∞ DT ∞