Blog entry for:

clarity, direction, and peace. this is one of those readings that seemed to promise me all sorts of things, when i first read it. what i missed was the point about GOD*s will BECOMING my own true will for myself. more importantly, the fact that this process is the RESULT of a spiritual awakening that comes from taking the TWELVE STEPS. as i sat this morning, what came to my consciousness was the dichotomy of what is and is not GOD's will for me. unlike many other things in real life, this seems to come down to a binary, yes or no answer, with little room for shades of grey. it is not unlike the notion of being clean, i either am, or i am not, absolutely no wiggle room. the problem then becomes detecting that will, especially if one is like me and does not see the POWER that fuels my recovery as anything close to sentient. so let the rationalizations and justifications begin!
it has been my experience that those who “find” GOD in the zeal of a religious experience are just as apt to float out of the rooms, as those who never develop a sense of a HIGHER POWER. even more so, those who are tied to a religious tradition, seem to be the ones who slip in and out of the rooms, over and over again, even after getting a bit of clean time. i am quite certain that is NOT the will of their HIGHER POWER for them, but i am not sure whose will is in force in those situations. i sometimes believe that coming to find a HIGHER POWER, through a long and often painful struggle, seems to cement someone into this way of living, a bit more strongly. that is how it worked for me and if i am any indication, that may be how it works for others.
that is only part of what i “heard” this morning. the other part after a brief walk down that path was: how do i know when someone is genuine in their recovery or is just fronting? being as cynical as i am,. this is the one place i suspend my critical judgement and take things at face value, by my own free choice. being one of those who did everything correctly, said all the correct words, had a sponsor, worked steps and did service, and continued to use on the side, one would think i would be more discerning about others living that very same lie. when i was living that lie, part of what i liked about it was the whole notion of “getting away with it!” the thrall of not getting caught, week after week, fed that feeling and i became more brazen and bold across that course of my process of coming to recovery. it is only because i finally got caught that i am sitting here today. no near death experience. no religious conversion. just p[lain and simple “getting busted,” and not wanting any more consequences got me into the rooms and kept me here for long enough, and in my case that was nearly eighteen months, before i was willing to accept that maybe this is a way of life for me. as a result, detecting whether someone is or is not actually doing this gig, is something i leave up to others. i am usually fairly good and figuring out when someone is using, even though i may never say anything, after all that is between them and whatever sort of HIGHER POWER they have. i may not know what the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery may be, but i do know that will include me staying clean today. i know that i can get the power to stay clean only through opening myself up to the spiritual side and allowing that emptiness to be filled. i need not stand on ceremony and ritual, and yet i have created my own, which starts with a FIRST STEP admission each and every day. i am without a doubt, an addict, and need something greater than addiction to get me through my day. the rest of the stuff? well that comes as needed and very seldom is there a road sign that tells me what to do. no in this case i have to rely on the feelings that my sponse has been so insistent upon me learning how to detect. it is in that moment when i “feel” that will, that i know i am on the correct path for me, just for today.

∞ DT ∞